


even odd numbers

by riverdancee



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst?, Character Death, Character Deaths, Enjoy!, I Made Myself Cry, I hope you like it, I wrote this a while ago, M/M, Romance, Some graphic violence near the beginning, bc i never really made chapters, i dont think i remember what i wrote anymore, i hope this is good, leobin - Freeform, long chapters, taekbin, the main ship is taekbin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 04:03:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 32,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10209206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riverdancee/pseuds/riverdancee
Summary: Taekwoon is obsessed with a heart and Hongbin can't seem to separate himself from it.





	1. heart

**Author's Note:**

> this story was ORIGINALLY posted on aff, so if you're thinking i plagiarized, don't! i am byuulbit on that website lol don't freak! This story took me a year and a half to write and for some odd reason i am reposting it a year later on this site because i am late!! and have been working on a new story!!  
> but anyways as mentioned on the aff foreword this fanfic is like my child because i worked so long on it and a year later i still feel the same about it. I hope you enjoy my story because writing it was one hell of a great ride.  
> thanks to aimee and gaurangi (again because i love them so much)
> 
> 16,024 words  
> (aka im so sorry)
> 
> edit: changed my username!! like this one better lol. Thanks!

A single sound is audible from outside a patient’s room. What note could it be? An A? Maybe even a B flat?

 

 _Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do._ Taekwoon sings it in his head, trying to match the tune. He finds it to be a high C, which is fairly close to A and B flat. He’s proud of himself for being close.

 

Doctors come rushing through the hall Taekwoon sits in. How do the doctor’s know which room there’s a dead person in? Whenever there are sounds from the rooms across each other, they sound equally distant. There’s the room with the stranger who needs some kind of transplant, from what Taekwoon was able to catch from a conversation, and there’s the room with the person whose brain is failing him.

 

In other words, the room with the stranger and the room with Taekwoon’s boyfriend.

 

They’re both dying.

 

As he sees the doctors rush in, he hopes that they rush into the room across from him--the room with the stranger--instead of the one he usually waits outside of. Much to his surprise, the doctor’s run into the door he waits outside of.

 

Cha Hakyeon’s room.

 

He doesn’t think much of it until he realizes that the plain high C that indicates someone’s dead came from his boyfriend’s room. It takes about seven seconds for that to kick in.

 

Unconsciously, Taekwoon gets off the bench outside the room and runs towards Hakyeon’s door, trying with all his willpower to break the locked door handle with just his hands.

 

“Clear.”

 

The high C continues.

 

“Clear.”

 

The note gets louder. Maybe it's just louder because Taekwoon can't focus. They don't usually increase volume.

 

A couple minutes later he is screaming, kicking the door as he hears the doctors stop trying to revive him. The sound of the high C stops, but any other noises afterwards don’t come from that stupid machine. In fact, there are no noises after that high C.

 

Cha Hakyeon is dead.

 

Taekwoon slides down the door and lets his head sink into his shaking hands. He can’t cry. He attempts, but he isn’t able to form actual water droplets that taste of salt and insides.

 

The door behind him opens and he instantly stands up, striving to look over the doctor’s shoulder and see Hakyeon but only finding him sheltered under a bag. The ground below him crumbles.

 

“He’s dead. We’re sorry,” the doctor plainly says. That’s all doctors really can say, it seems to him. He’s heard it too many times.

 

“He has an intracranial aneurysm. We’re sorry.”

 

“He doesn’t have long to live. We’re sorry.”

 

“The blood vessel ruptured. We’re sorry.”

 

“He’s dead. We’re sorry.”

 

They say sorry as if it’s their fault, which only means it is. Taekwoon yells and pushes the doctor away, making himself some space to fiddle through and get to Hakyeon. He scours the bag for a zipper, one that will let him see his face, but his hands are like vibrators and all he can do is sing do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do over and over again. Someone pushes him away from the bag and forces him out of the room, pinning him down on the bench outside as they wheel Hakyeon’s body out.

 

Taekwoon screams, kicking the person who’s pinning him down over and over again.

 

After minutes, Taekwoon relaxes and the person leaves.

 

He spends the night on that bench.

 

******

 

“He signed this?” Taekwoon asks with no emotion. “When?”

 

“When he found out he was going to die,” the doctor answers.

 

There’s a tremendous amount of light in the room. All the windows are open and it’s that time of day where the sun is most selfish and beams brighter than anything else. The chair Taekwoon sits on in front of the doctor’s desk is intolerable and it has specks of dirt in eerie places, which Taekwoon can relate to his hair. Once he woke up to bright fluorescent lights bothering his head in the hallway, he ran his fingers through his hair and dirt ruffled onto his sweat-drenched shirt, making him feel ill.

 

The paper that Taekwoon holds seems to be the only dark thing in the room.

 

“So...you still have his body?” he asks softly, uneased about the body being kept in such an evil place.

 

“Yes.”--Fuck.--“We’re finding a match.” The doctor replies so easily--almost too easily, like giving away someone’s heart is perfectly normal.

 

Taekwoon nods, aware that he can’t ask to see his body. They’re probably extracting his heart at the moment. It would be rude of him anyways.

 

Not letting him see Hakyeon’s body, even when he was dead, was quite rude of them too.

 

Taekwoon’s curiosity strikes up. “Then how did he die? Isn’t your heart supposed to be...not working when you die?”

 

“He died because there was too much blood in his brain,” the doctor explains to him again. He’s told Taekwoon the outcomes of intracranial aneurysm and all, but Taekwoon wanted to make sure if it was a lie. Maybe Hakyeon still could have lived, they just didn’t care and wanted to give away his heart. Since his heart is apparently better off in someone else. “His brain was basically flooded with blood. Then his heart stopped.”

 

“So you’re just gonna give it away?”

 

The doctor nods, shoving off the fact that Taekwoon made the question seem like he was adding murder to the hospital’s résumé.

 

All Taekwoon replays in his head is that they weren’t able to revive Hakyeon’s heart when it was in him, and now they want to revive it when it’s out of him.

 

Hakyeon didn’t let him know about this whole “hey, Woonie, I’m letting someone have my heart once I die” thing. That bothers Taekwoon. He had been there enough times when Hakyeon was awake--when Hakyeon acted like he wasn’t dying--for him to tell him something like this. Now it seems that it would have comforted Taekwoon back then, to know that Hakyeon was being a good Samaritan by giving his heart away, rather than it angering him now.

 

“Who will have his heart?” he asks, emotionless again.

 

“We’re still trying to find a match, Mr. Jung,” the doctor replies, transferring the signed contract to his hand. Taekwoon’s eyes follow it into a red plastic folder. “Once found, we will let you know, and if you’d like to, you can meet its holder.”

 

Its holder. He doesn’t know why, but referring to Hakyeon’s heart as an it seems cruel from a doctor’s perspective.

 

Taekwoon leaves the room reminiscing about Hakyeon’s heart. He remembers how its loud beat was the closest thing he’d ever get to heaven and that it truly resembled him and his love for stupid things.

 

Stupid things like Jung Taekwoon.

 

He begins to wonder where he’ll meet the person with Hakyeon’s heart. Will he even want to meet that person? Would it hurt too much? How does a new heart even work? Then again, Taekwoon isn’t sure how anything works. The first time he met Hakyeon, he wasn’t sure how annoying someone could possibly be or how despite his constant nagging, Taekwoon eventually would fall into doing what he wants.

 

Thinking about it was heart-wrenching.

 

Thinking about it made him wonder if the heart’s beating would change in someone else.

 

******

 

A week later Taekwoon received a call from Hakyeon’s sister telling him that the hospital had found a match for Hakyeon’s heart and had successfully completed the surgery.

 

Taekwoon’s stomach churned.

 

Since the family is eager to meet the replacement, they had already set a date with the patient without Taekwoon’s consent and the evil hospital was kind enough to give them a room to meet in once the patient was better.

 

“It’s the guy who was across from his room,” Hakyeon’s sister had told him. “I guess he needed a heart transplant.” A heavy sigh. “I can’t fucking believe this.”

 

“Yes you can,” was all Taekwoon had replied.

 

Taekwoon now sat at a coffee shop alone, intently looking at the latte on the table in front of him. He usually just got swirls as the decoration, but this time the barista seemed to notice how down he was about life and drew an ecstatic heart. Now he doesn’t want to destruct it. The heart looks so nice, outside traced hearts joining into the end point of the heart. Swirls decorate around it, like confetti. The soft brown makes it look calm though, like being ecstatic is not all there is to being happy. His stomach growls for some sort of food or liquid, but Taekwoon just doesn’t want to drink it. It reminds him too much of what he is actually enduring. A heart being taken away from its original home and being put into someone else.

 

He takes the latte back to the barista and asks for a bear decoration instead.

 

******

 

Taekwoon made an oath that he wouldn’t befriend the person with Hakyeon’s heart, although he is meeting that person today. He made an oath because he couldn’t bear the thought that that person had his boyfriend’s heart, and that for some odd reason, it decided to work in him instead of Hakyeon, who would have gladly appreciated life given back to him. Just the fact that they took a heart out of a dead man and revived it in a dying man made Taekwoon shiver.

 

Another reason he made an oath is because he thinks he’ll become too attached to the heart and that he won’t be able to get over Hakyeon, who he still hasn’t cried over.

 

Taekwoon wants to cry, but now he feels like he can’t, simply because somewhere deep inside of him, he thinks Hakyeon is still alive because his heart is beating.

 

He has never been sure of the patient’s name. He’s only aware of his room number. 3562.

 

Even numbers are weird.

 

Taekwoon sits next to Hakyeon’s sister in the small room that was given to them by the hospital. It has an ugly cream color to it and seems to have some marker and blood stains in awkward places. The chairs they sit on are wooden with uneven legs. Taekwoon anxiously rocks side to side on it, waiting for the patient to come out like the rest of the Cha family.

 

“Do you think he’ll be like Hakyeon?” the older girl, her voice shaky and breathless, almost as if she was experiencing a traumatizing movie, asks Taekwoon.

 

Taekwoon studies her from the corner of his eye, noticing that she’s looking straight at him with a worried expression and tears ready to speed down her cheeks. He turns his head to look at her clearly and shakes it. “I think he’ll--”

 

Taekwoon never finishes his sentence because the door swings open and a tall figure walks through. Everyone waiting for him stands up on cue, their tissues prepared in their hands.

 

Once he stands steadily in front of them, he bows and introduces himself.

 

“I am Lee Hongbin,” he says hoarsely, causing him to clear his throat. “It’s very nice to meet you.” He sounds comprehensible this time.

 

As everyone begins to introduce themselves to him, Taekwoon examines him inaudibly. Lee Hongbin messily styled his hair but made it look decent enough to meet a group of people. It’s parted a little more than halfway and his locks sweep to the right elegantly. The hair on his left side seems to rise a little but stays near his scalp. His eyes are soft, its hue of brown making it seem like not all brown eyes look like puke and that they can be as beautiful as his. He keeps his hands behind his back, the corners of his lips curling up every time someone introduces themselves. He wears a white button-up shirt with the last two buttons undone and navy blue jeans to match his black, untied street shoes. His posture is excellent but his feet are small. His arms are beautiful but his legs lack, or at least they do in those pants. His neck isn’t as long as Hakyeon’s but it does suit well with his--

 

The girl to his side nudges him hard on the side and Taekwoon’s eyes broaden. He looks at Hongbin, who’s looking right back at him with a warm smile.

 

“Ah, I’m Jung Taekwoon,” he says quietly, bowing not even at 90 degrees but more like 72. “Nice to meet you.”

 

After his introduction, family members begin to flood over Hongbin, their tears louder than Taekwoon’s voice ever was in his years of living. Hongbin attempts to comfort them but only ends up having to deal with their hand or ear on his left boob, trying to hear or feel the heartbeat that was once Cha Hakyeon’s.

 

I’ve stuck with my oath, Taekwoon thinks. Good job.

 

The family begins to leave one by one after talking with Hongbin about Hakyeon’s life and stuff. Taekwoon thinks of leaving with them and maybe hitching a ride with Hakyeon’s sister even though he has his car, but he takes a glance back at Hongbin and changes his mind. He swiftly glides up to him and Hongbin stares as he gets closer.

 

They look at each other for a couple of seconds, each second feeling like Taekwoon’s looking through water and trying to find a piece of jewelry he lost on the floor. He can feel his stomach wanting to catch on fire.

 

Lee Hongbin is beautiful.

 

“Um, I--,” Taekwoon stutters. “Is your--.” He chokes on his words. Hongbin gives him a rare look. “Do you have a place to stay?” he finally asks.

 

What?

 

No, that’s not what Taekwoon meant to say. He meant to say something else, like “How are you?” or “Is your heart okay?”

 

It’s awkward--too soon, in fact. They met a couple of minutes ago and BAM! Taekwoon’s asking if he wants to live with him. Why did he ask that? Did he even mean to ask that?

 

Hongbin blinks, and Taekwoon looks at his chest. Something hits him and he realizes why he had asked that question without even thinking. He wants to stay with Hakyeon’s heart.

 

“The hospital,” Hongbin replies, digging his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

 

“I have an extra room in my apartment. Would you like to stay there?” The sentence comes out smoothly. Almost too smoothly.

 

“Sure.”

 

Taekwoon breaks his oath.

 

******

 

Taekwoon goes straight to the coffee brewer when he gets home. He needs coffee to calm him down because he can't believe he just let a stranger sleep in his two room apartment. The offer flushed out too easily for even him to take in.

 

When he asked Hakyeon to live with him, it took him two weeks to come up with the sentence and a week to practice saying the question easily. Once he had finally reserved the day to ask him, it took him three hours to muster up his courage and ask. They were already dating by that time, but Taekwoon was so nervous when he asked that it was obvious for Hakyeon to notice it, which lead to a cheer and a big hug and kiss for Taekwoon to make him feel less of an idiot.

 

Taekwoon pays no attention to Hongbin until he makes noise by clearing his throat. Taekwoon turns to look at him as he warms his hands with the cup of coffee.

 

Hongbin stands unpleasantly next to the loveseat couch in the living room, his duffel bag holding the few amounts of clothes he has. “Where do I sleep?” he asks, clenching the handle tighter.

 

Without a word, Taekwoon walks through the compact hallway to the room that’s been vacant ever since he moved in two years ago, hearing Hongbin’s feet shuffle briskly toward him. “Here,” Taekwoon whispers, sipping on the cup of coffee. He moves to the side and allows Hongbin to leave his things inside.

 

Taekwoon begins to walk back to the kitchen when suddenly a “Can I have a coffee too?” echoes through the hallway.

 

Taekwoon glances back and sees Hongbin’s head popping somewhat out from the doorway, his lips parted a bit from saying the word “too”. Taekwoon nods once and retreats back to the kitchen, deciding to sit on the stool next to the island counter.

 

No one’s ever stayed in the room that’s now Hongbin’s because no one ever slept over and Hakyeon essentially forced himself into Taekwoon’s room, pretending there wasn’t a second room. Despite all of Taekwoon’s begging for Hakyeon to stay in the extra room, Hakyeon wouldn’t budge. He put away all of his clothes in Taekwoon’s closet and placed all his “relics” (in reality, they were just a bunch of dramas on DVD) in his room.

 

He did make the bed warmer. Snuggling into his neck made nights better. His scent was--

 

Hongbin slides the stool next to Taekwoon out from under the island counter, creating a terrible screeching sound from the floor. He bows his head to show his apology and adjusts himself to the seat. Taekwoon turns his head and looks at him burn his tongue as he sips his coffee. It spills onto his shirt and Hongbin immediately stands up, pulling his white shirt away from his skin and sticking his tongue out. He puts his cup of coffee down and begins to apologize to Taekwoon repeatedly.

 

Taekwoon just stares at him with a modest face, almost not caring simply because none of it got on the floor or the counter. It only affected Hongbin.

 

Hongbin begins to laugh and walks off to his room, slamming the door behind him. Taekwoon returns to sipping his coffee, wondering if the heat in his coffee is the same as Hongbin’s. He decides to take a look at the boy’s cup, which appears the same as it did before. Without much thought, he puts down his cup and picks up the boy’s. The heat seems the same from the exterior. Taekwoon ogles at the coffee.

 

Its color is a bit darker than his, though he didn’t add any sweeteners. There’s obviously more liquid than his and it swirls on its own, whereas Taekwoon’s coffee is boring and only visibly releases heat. How hot is Taekwoon’s coffee compared to Hongbin’s?

 

Taekwoon takes a sip.

 

The cup drops with a loud clank! and Taekwoon runs to the sink to spit it out. He turns on the faucet and fills his mouth with cold water, swishing it in his mouth and then pouring the contents out. He does this several times, for Hongbin’s coffee showed signs of being at least at boiling point. Taekwoon turns around and notices that he broke the mug and spilled coffee everywhere--on the floor, stool, and counter.

 

Footsteps are perceived and Taekwoon turns to look at the entranceway to the living room. Hongbin walks towards him, his smile digging straight into Taekwoon’s soul. He becomes almost mesmerized by it and barely catches what Hongbin asks him.

 

“Eh?” Taekwoon blinks as he says it.

 

“It’s hot for some reason, huh?” Hongbin repeats.

 

Taekwoon blinks again. “Yeah.”

 

“Is yours that hot?”

 

“No.”

 

Hongbin laughs, getting a paper towel from next to the sink and starts to wipe the counter. “Maybe your coffee maker doesn’t like me.” He looks at Taekwoon, offering a paper towel to him. Taekwoon blinks one more time, not sure what to think of his actions, and takes it anyways.

 

He kneels and begins to wipe the floor, glancing up at Hongbin from time to time. Once he finishes cleaning the counter, he starts to gather up the broken pieces of the mug.

 

What is it that makes Taekwoon want to run away in backflips when Hongbin smiles at him or speaks? Maybe it’s just the fact that he has his dead boyfriend’s heart and he’s reliving with it, which doesn’t seem sensible, but it’s sure as hell happening.

 

Hongbin steps over Taekwoon and throws away the broken pieces. He takes another paper towel and wipes the stool, looking down at Taekwoon and smiling again.

 

“Thanks for letting me stay,” he interjects the silence. “Truthfully, I don’t want to stay in that damn hospital with all the blood and cries and screams and evilness. It’s like living under oppression over there. I’m almost glad I didn’t have to die in there.”

 

Taekwoon looks at him, a cruel fire burning inside his chest. Hakyeon had to die in blood and cries and screams and evilness. Hakyeon had to die as if living under oppression. Hakyeon is the reason Hongbin’s breathing and doing fine.

 

Hakyeon is also the reason Taekwoon has Hongbin living under his roof.

 

“I-I’m sorry about that,” Hongbin stutters. “About-about what I said, I mean, I didn’t mean--sorry.”

 

Taekwoon scoots a little away from him and cleans up the remaining coffee.

 

“I’ll find myself a place soon, once I get a stable job and stuff,” he implies. “You won’t have to deal with me.”

 

Taekwoon stands up and makes eye contact with the boy. “Don’t find yourself a place,” is how Taekwoon replies to what Hongbin said. “You’re better off here.” Right after, he throws away the mucky paper towels and finishes his coffee, feeling Hongbin’s awkward but startled stare on him.

 

“Why? I mean, there’s no point for me to invade your property and bother you--”

 

“You aren’t bothersome,” Taekwoon states. He turns his head to look at Hongbin and points his finger at him. “Just don’t let me get near that.”

 

Hongbin’s eyes follow Taekwoon’s finger to his heart.

 

******

 

Taekwoon knew the boy’s curiosity would get to him soon. In fact, that’s one reason why Taekwoon was deciding to maybe not let him live in his apartment. It’d be tricky for Hongbin to live with Taekwoon once he found out what his relationship with Hakyeon was.

 

Therefore, Taekwoon wasn’t sure how to reply for a while when Hongbin asked him in his living room, “What was your connection to Cha Hakyeon?”

 

Taekwoon’s tranquility made Hongbin elaborate on his question. “I mean,” he starts off, “when everyone introduced themselves to me at the hospital room, they added their part in his life, like, ‘I’m his mom’ or ‘I’m his cousin.’ You, on the other hand, just introduced yourself as Jung Taekwoon.” He places his elbows on his knees and rests his chin on his palms, eyes bright and pupils dilated. “I’m curious.”

 

“Would you like the truth, or would you like a lie?” Taekwoon asks.

 

“What would the lie be?”

 

“He’s my neighbor.”

 

“That’s not even a good lie,” he complains. Taekwoon stares at him, silently pissed off, but not to the point where he might throw him under the bus. “I want the truth.” Hongbin saves himself.

 

“He was my boyfriend.”

 

To Taekwoon’s revelation, Hongbin nods, bringing his lower lip a bit down. He wasn’t expecting this kind of reaction. Just from experience, he knew guys got sensitive and thorny when they found out his sexuality. That’s exactly why he isn’t comfortable with openly talking to people--he’s scared of openly talking to people.

 

“Mine broke up with me once he found out I needed a heart transplant and he was a match.”

 

Taekwoon’s eyes widen.

 

Hongbin’s face doesn’t give the impression of being miserable at all after saying that, though his bottom lip does lower a little more. He looks at the ground and drums his cheeks with his fingers. He appears like he doesn’t care, but he regrettably does. Hongbin seems like the type of person to give his heart to someone he loves. To think his boyfriend would, but in reality wouldn’t, seemed like a stab in the chest.

 

Taekwoon would have given his heart to Hakyeon any day.

 

“Hospitals usually just give a normal sized heart,” Hongbin says. “If you need a heart, all they probably need to know is the age and, hey, there’s your new heart! But I guess mine was a rare case and it had to fit in with all the stuff they’ve done inside my chest.”

 

Taekwoon stares at Hongbin, wanting to know more of the story.

 

“His name is Wonshik,” he explains. “Kim Wonshik. If you come across a guy with that name and he has a tattoo on his chest and arm, run. He’s an asshole and dates this guy named Han Sanghyuk, who’s an asshole too.”

 

Taekwoon straightens his back. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Hongbin grins at him. “I want to rant about him.”

 

Preparing himself to speak, Hongbin stands up and Taekwoon leans back, composing himself for the jumble of words to spill out of his mouth.

 

“The bastard dated me for a year!” is how he begins, his personality transforming once the words are out. “A fucking year!”

 

Then it went into how they made corny five-year-old promises to each other and were oblivious to everyone they came across. They did a lot of crap, like go to restaurants drunk and ruin their tablecloths or graffiti walls with squiggles and circles.

 

After that it went into really cheesy stuff, like lying under the moonlight and hoping for acceptance from people and never leaving each other’s side. That they would die for each other. Hongbin screams the sentence, “I fucking believed that!” and furiously kicks the side couch.

 

Taekwoon stares as the furniture rises back into its normal position from the dent.

 

Hongbin needed a heart transplant right at the year mark of their relationship. Though his heart was failing him ever since his teenage years, it finally got to the point of severe pain. It took about a month for the results to come out, since the hospital’s stupid and all, and they obviously wanted to find a match for the dying boy.

 

“Kim Won-fucking-shik took the heart-matching-thing just so he could make me feel better. I never asked him to, but maybe he just wanted show some support. The idiot thought that he wouldn’t be a match, but guess what!” Hongbin exaggerates his words, throwing his arms up into the air and smiling with his mouth open. “He was a fucking match! Ta-da! One hundred percent! And once he found out he was the only match, he came up to my hospital bed, where I was dying, and said, ‘So this is why our heart beats as one. I don’t think this is the right path for us.’ Those exact words! How is that even logical? And then he goes off and is practically a gay prostitute, hooks up with some guy who goes by ‘Hyuk’ though everyone knows his real name is Han Sang-fucking-hyuk, and dates him. I swear, the two of them act as if they’re five! Now Wonshik calls himself Ravi and has this bright-ass pastel blue hair that can pass for blueberry yogurt. They’ve been dating for, like, three months and I’m positive they’ve already screwed every night.”

 

Taekwoon listens to it all, for he’s an amazing listener and feels like stories should be heard if they’re worth it. Hongbin’s story doesn’t seem to be “worth it”, but Taekwoon listens because he thinks that someone else should be able to take it all in. After all, he let the kid move into his apartment, so he might as well listen to what he has to say so life doesn’t seem too dull.

 

Besides, Taekwoon doesn’t have stories to tell.

 

Hongbin begins to scream as he explains how their relationship was, perspiration rolling down the side of his face and fingers constantly grabbing at strands of hair and pulling them. Eventually his eyes get too watery and he throws himself down on the couch.

 

“I CAN’T BELIEVE I LOVED HIM!”

 

Taekwoon stares at a sweaty Hongbin, his fingers now trying to claw his eyes out of their sockets and his body trembling with every breath he takes. His head falls into his lap and his right hand reaches towards his chest, where Hakyeon’s heart beats, and hits himself.

 

Taekwoon gets a little frightened when he does that. Is his heart okay? is all Taekwoon can ask himself.

 

After a couple of minutes, Hongbin raises his head and gazes at Taekwoon, creating tense eye contact with each other.

 

“I’m sorry I took his heart,” Hongbin whispers.

 

“I know you are,” Taekwoon responds.

 

******

 

Smoke.

 

It smells like smoke the next day when Taekwoon comes back from work.

 

He usually leaves early in the morning, around six to be exact, and doesn't return till around two in the afternoon.

 

Hongbin's door was closed when he woke up, so he figured he was still sleeping. Not like he was going to bother him, though Taekwoon does want to know if his room's clean or not.

 

Taekwoon gets a little concerned. He checks the kitchen and everything's fine. That's the only place in the apartment that can release smoke.

 

Maybe it's from outside. Taewoon likes to leave his windows open so he doesn't feel so concealed, and due to this, he probably knows the aroma of everything on earth.

 

But outside, there's nothing that can bring smoke into his apartment.

 

Taekwoon walks at a snail’s pace through the hallway. He finds Hongbin's door open, the room earning the title of "The Cleanest Room He's Ever Seen", but no sign of him.

 

He walks a little more towards the bathroom, whose door is unlocked but closed all the way through. Not even thinking twice about it, Taekwoon opens the door.

 

He feels himself become weak.

 

Hongbin sits on the edge of the sink with the small, squared window open extensively. He's still in his pajamas, which are grey sweatpants and a white t-shirt, and his hair is a ruffled mess, parting line nonexistent.

 

And accompanying him are cigarette butts on the floor and one lit cigarette between his index and middle finger.

 

Hongbin gives a light smile when he realizes Taekwoon is in the room. "How was your day?" he asks.

 

Taekwoon stares at the cigarette between his fingers.

 

Hongbin notices what he's looking at. "What?" he asks intimidatingly, raising the cigarette closer to his mouth. "Do you want me to pull some 'it's a metaphor' crap?"

 

Taekwoon releases a shaky breath, grabs Hongbin from the collar of his shirt, and throws him against the wall in the hallway. Hongbin's cigarette falls to the floor and Taekwoon stomps on it.

 

He swings at his face.

 

Hongbin lets out a grunt and gets kneed in the stomach. Taekwoon repeatedly does this till Hongbin's lips and nose are bleeding and his knees give out, making him slide down the wall.

 

Taekwoon then lifts him back up by pulling his hair, causing Hongbin to scream in agony, and gets close to his face, anger flustering his cheeks.

 

"You're given life with Hakyeon's heart," he mutters through gritted teeth, "and this is how you decide to waste it?" He slams Hongbin's head against the wall. "By smoking?" He screams it.

 

Once Taekwoon releases his hair, Hongbin slides down the wall again. He kicks his side and Hongbin falls over, blood beginning to stain the floor.

 

"I don't smoke," Hongbin whispers.

 

"You don't smoke." Taekwoon lets out an exaggerated laugh. "You don't smoke," he repeats. "Don't tell me that when there's at least a dozen fucking cigarette butts scattered on my bathroom floor!"

 

"I swear." Hongbin coughs. "I swear I don't smoke."

 

"Don't lie to me!"

 

"I don't smoke!"

 

Taekwoon kicks again and Hongbin reacts by curling himself into a ball.

 

"I don't smoke, Taekwoon."

 

Hongbin's crying.

 

Taekwoon isn't a specialist in lying. He doesn't know facial expressions, nor does he really think it'll be valuable to him, but the way Hongbin says his name makes Taekwoon feel vulnerable.

 

Hongbin slowly extends himself out and tries to get up but stumbles. He glances at Taekwoon from below, his eyes red and blood dried on his face with patches of purple, bruised skin on his cheekbones. "I really don't smoke, Taekwoon. Believe me." He takes a deep breath. "The smell of it relaxes me. That's all." He coughs out some blood and hugs his stomach.

 

He attempts at standing up and succeeds, leaning against the wall for support. He stares at Taekwoon straight in the eyes. Their bodies are only about a foot away from each other.

 

Taekwoon looks away and ends up with his eyes landing on his chest. His lips quiver and he feels himself get weak again. There's a million things he would do for that heart to be back inside of Hakyeon, but he knows that it'll never happen.

 

He told Hongbin to keep him away from his heart. He isn't doing that right now. Him and his heart are a foot away, and Taekwoon's nervous, scared, delirious, unstable, fearful, insane--

 

He closes his eyes and leans the top of his head on Hongbin's chest, right above his heart.

  
Taekwoon decides to believe him.

 

******

 

Hongbin is sore for the next week, and Taekwoon has lost count of how many times he’s said sorry over that period of time.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be, I should be apologizing.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Taekwoon, it isn’t your fault.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“No one’s blaming you here.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“God, Taekwoon, shut up.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Get over it!”

 

He can pass for being the evil hospital with all these “I’m sorry” quotes being thrown out.

 

Taekwoon’s all about forgiving, so he cooks Hongbin his meals everyday, leaving notes on where he left the food and how long to reheat it. He always finds the food gone when he returns, so he’s guessing he eats it.

 

Today, Taekwoon gets home a little earlier. It’s one in the afternoon and the first thing on his mind is lunch. Setting down his bags, he skims through a list of meals he can make in his head till he finds a yellow note on the island counter in black ink:

 

### Out for the day. Have I told you thanks for the meals yet? no need to cook for me. thanks though~~ - hongbin :)

 

Like the boy usually does, Taekwoon’s curiosity strikes up. Where could have Hongbin gone?

 

Taekwoon’s not the stalking type. Yes, his curiosity is beyond limits perhaps, but he won’t go to a stalking point.

 

Anyways, his mind is on lunch at the moment. Since he isn’t going to be cooking two meals, he might as well just make something easy. He heats water in a pot and throws a ramen packet and a half in there. Right now, Taekwoon doesn’t care about how much salt there is or how bad that much packed ramen is for him.

 

He’s just hungry.

 

He adds all the flavoring in as he watches the ramen slowly separate from each other. That was always his favorite part: watching them divide. He found it rather fascinating, seeing them slowly soften and detach themselves from the rest of the group. It kind of reminded Taekwoon of himself.

 

After finishing his meal of ramen, he decides to head out to the streets and go to his favorite cafe. He has no reason to, in truth, except that he’s now scared to drink his own coffee after tasting Hongbin’s.

 

The cafe’s empty, as usual around this time of day. He orders a caramel frappuccino this time because he knows the barista can’t make any designs on it. Ever since the heart design, he doubts he’ll ever order a latte from here again.

 

He sits down at a table for two in the middle of the cafe after he gets his drink, which has chocolate syrup drizzled on the side of the cup to maybe lift his spirits. That’s what the barista’s smile suggested: Taekwoon’s day sucked.

 

It didn’t, really. Or at least not yet.

 

He mixes the drink a bit with his straw and consumes. The flavor of caramel bursts in his mouth, sweetness clutching onto every taste bud he has. Taekwoon takes sips from his drink until he gets a brain freeze and has to go his separate ways with it.

 

He looks out the window and notices how busy the streets are. It’s two now, so lunch time is over for most jobs, and school doesn’t end for a couple of hours, but cars are beeping and zooming their way through the streets. Pedestrians bump into each other due to how many there are walking on the sidewalk.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

Taekwoon quickly turns his head and finds Hongbin sitting in the seat across from him with a bagel and a smoothie--probably strawberry, from all the light pink in the cup. He’s wearing a navy blue sweatshirt with a visible white shirt under, and to match the top he wears a gray jacket. His hair is matted down instead of parted, so locks of hair sweep over his forehead. “I came to get coffee,” he replies subtly.

 

Hongbin nods. “Of course you did. Did you get my note?” He spreads cream cheese on his bagel with a plastic knife. “Did you eat?”

 

Taekwoon nods, peeping at Hongbin’s bagel. He feels guilty for eating all that ramen, and now he wants something a bit... healthier, to say the least.

 

“Want the other half?” Hongbin asks, noticing that Taekwoon was looking dreamily at his bagel. “My friend fed me a lot of food.”

 

Taekwoon snatches it from him and begins to bite down. Hongbin grins and does the same to his piece of bagel.

 

They eat in silence without looking at each other. Taekwoon finishes in a couple of minutes but he’s figured by now that Hongbin eats like a turtle and tries to keep himself clean.

 

Taekwoon looks up at him and sees that he’s only halfway finished with his bagel. Hongbin catches his movement and does the same. He steers clear of eye contact with Taekwoon right when it happens though and looks behind him, but once he does that, his bagel falls to the table, his eyes enlarge, and his jaw slightly drops. Taekwoon blinks and watches Hongbin stand up and begin to walk to a table next to the entry door that’s being taken by two people, one with auburn red hair and the other with newly-dyed blue hair.

 

Hongbin stops once he’s in front of them, staring down at the person to the left of him. He says something that Taekwoon can’t interpret, and then the blue-haired boy speaks loudly and surprised.

 

“I thought you were dead.”

 

Taekwoon squints his eyes and looks away, trying to figure out their relationship with one another. Hongbin hasn’t told him all about people he knows, but he has named a few.

 

Now Wonshik calls himself Ravi and has this bright-ass pastel blue hair that can pass for blueberry yogurt.

 

“I’m not dead,” Hongbin says loud and clear.

 

“Hongbin, go away,” the boy says, glancing away from him and staring down at the table.

 

“I need an explanation, Wonshik!” Hongbin yells.

 

“It isn’t Wonshik,” he mutters, “it’s Ravi.”

 

“And it isn’t sensible to leave me because we have the same type of heart!” He breathes. “And that’s a stupid name!”

 

“He said to go away!” the guy across from Wonshik--Han Sang-fucking-hyuk, most likely--screams, looking up at Hongbin.

 

He ignores him. “Give me some sort of explanation, yeah? That’s all I want. I’m not asking you to crawl back to me, I just want to know why you left me.”

 

“I don’t need to give you one.”

 

“Yes you do, because I might as well hear it when there’s a low chance of me dying rather than me already on the verge of it!”

 

“That’s not a good excuse.”

 

“Then what do you want the excuse to be? Because you have blue hair and think you can rap?”

 

“I can rap, and no.”

 

“Then I really have nothing better, so you might as well just tell me because chances are I’ll never see you again.”

 

Wonshik is silent, and Hongbin’s hands are slowly forming into fists.

 

“I left because you’d want my heart as a replacement for yours,” Wonshik says, “and I realized that you weren’t worth that much to me.”

 

Taekwoon stretches his back out on the chair to see Hongbin’s expression and finds it hurt, his eyebrows furrowing together and him biting the inside of his mouth.

 

“I never wanted it.” Hongbin’s voice cracks. “I never wanted your heart.”

 

Wonshik looks at him resentfully. “What?”

 

“Don’t be offended. I never wanted it back then because I wanted you to live and for me to go, but I figured you would be the type of loving guy to give it to me because I was worth it. But now, now that I see that this,”--Hongbin points a tremulous finger at Hyuk--“is what you’ve turned to, I’m glad that I don’t have the chance to turn out like this,”--he points at Wonshik then--“because of your heart. I’m glad that I don’t have to live knowing an actual asshole’s heart is inside of me.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“You heard me!” Hongbin’s voice crescendos and the hurt look turns into one of envy.

 

“You just called me an asshole!” Wonshik yells.

 

“Because you are one!”

 

All of the cafe’s attention is on the commotion going on at the table next to the entry door. There aren’t that many people, since it’s just a college student with his laptop, a pair of friends out for coffee, and Taekwoon watching, plus all the workers that came out to the front desk to observe the scene.

 

Taekwoon considers going up there and dragging Hongbin out of the place, but he knows how angry Hongbin is at Wonshik and how he really needs to let it out in front of him. He wants to prove that he’s a better person now because of him and his tactics and let him realize that he’s lower than he was before on the hierarchy.

 

“You’re a lying, cheating, disgraceful asshole!” Hongbin persists, counting the adjectives with his fingers. “The type to make people think they’re in love and fool them! I was fooled for a year!” He switches his gaze to Hyuk. “And as much as I hate you too, I’m going to warn you to stay away from this son of a bitch.”

 

“I’m not going to,” Hyuk says, standing to reach Hongbin’s eye level. “I’m not going to because he loves me and thinks I’m worth it.”

 

Hongbin laughs. He laughs loudly, and all the viewers are confused by this action because people are usually hurt after a saying like that. “Here’s the thing, Hyuk.” His voice becomes serious after that. “Wonshik did love me, and he did think I was worth it, but because he’s such a selfish dick head, he fooled himself into thinking he didn’t because he wanted to live. He put himself before me. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but it is a bad thing when he promises that he’ll always put you before anything else and that he’ll die for you, and guess what? He fooled me the same way he fooled himself, and he’s going to do the same to you too.”

 

The next part was completely unintentional. Taekwoon actually did what he considered to do in the middle of Hongbin’s warning and decided to put himself between the table and Hongbin to apologize on Hongbin’s behalf and drag him out, but that was where he received Hyuk’s punch to the face.

 

Taekwoon blinks and stumbles backward, Hongbin catching him from his shoulders. He finds Wonshik staring at him and Hyuk glancing behind because Hongbin didn’t get what Taekwoon received instead.

 

“Is this your boyfriend?” Wonshik asks.

 

Hongbin drags Taekwoon out of the cafe as a substitute for answering the question.

 

******

 

It takes about a month and a half for the awkwardness to settle, the sorry’s Taekwoon says all the time to stop, the addiction Hongbin has of smelling smoke to end, and Taekwoon to get used to Hongbin living with him.

 

The only thing that’s still new to Taekwoon is Hakyeon’s heart being a couple feet away and the body being dug under a grave.

 

Along with this, Hongbin has rid himself of the issues with Wonshik and has bettered himself in some way. He has returned to attending school and is looking into photography, which Taekwoon would never expect from him.

 

He remembers when Hongbin brought out his DSLR to show him some landscape photos and he was impressed, but since Taekwoon is such a shit head, he only nodded and said they were good. He seemed to have hurt him then with that statement, and instead of worrying about the well-being of Hongbin's feelings, he began to worry about the heart inside of him because he knows how hearts get when their owner is sad, and he didn't want Hakyeon's heart to be like that.

 

That's the only problem Taekwoon's been facing: his worry for Hakyeon's heart when Hongbin does something.

 

The question in his head is always, "Is his heart okay?" and he always answers himself with, "I don't know."

 

They sit across from each other at the island counter, eating cereal because Taekwoon's too lazy to cook up pancakes or something. They don't pay attention to each other and eat in silence. It isn't awkward, because usually when the food is out, they have a mental agreement to shut the hell up and eat.

 

But Hongbin ruins it.

 

"I've never been in your room."

 

Taekwoon moves his eyes to be looking at him from under his brows, chin near the middle of his chest. His spoon filled with corn flakes is in midair and a drop of milk makes a splash back into the bowl. Hongbin continues eating, ignoring the slightest movement Taekwoon makes.

 

He doesn’t want Hongbin in his room. What if Hakyeon’s heart jumps out of him and, like, marvels over the fact that his “relics” are still where they were last left?

 

“I’ve never been in your room either,” he lies in his husky morning tone, “and I’m practically your landlord.”

 

Hongbin straightens his back to look at Taekwoon, letting his spoon move evenly into the halfway filled bowl from the side. He crosses his arms and smiles. “I go in your room and you go in my room. Deal?”

 

“No.”

 

“Oh, c’mon!” he whines. “This is the only way I’ll let you see my room anyways! I don’t like people in my room either!”

 

“Then why are you curious about mine?”

 

“Because that’s exactly what I am: curious!”

 

Taekwoon stares at Hongbin’s position. His arms slammed sluggishly onto the counter and his fingertips are about six inches away from Taekwoon’s bowl. His eyebrows are raised up and he’s smiling with his teeth apart. “Fine.”

 

Hongbin glides his arms down back to his bowl, takes hold of it, and chugs down the leftover milk.

 

Taekwoon’s eyes widen. This isn’t very Hongbin. He’s clean, precise, and slow in everything. He likes to eat calmly and do everything else with swift ease, but chugging does not seem to fit any of those categories.

 

“Are you okay?” Taekwoon accidently asks, gagging on his words as they were let out.

 

Hongbin puts his bowl down and wipes his milk-stache. “I’m fine!” he exclaims, getting out of his stool and heading towards the sink. “Are you done yet?”

 

Taekwoon looks down at his bowl, a quarter left with milk and a stack of soggy cornflakes towering over it. He digs his spoon near the bottom of the bowl, lifts, and stuffs the cereal in.

 

When he’s done, he walks through the hallway to meet up with a ecstatic Hongbin outside his own bedroom. “Are you ready?” he asks him, eyes radiating and cheekbones lifted.

 

Taekwoon nods, bored already, and Hongbin opens the door.

 

It looks the same as the first time he saw it: gray-blue bedsheets folded nicely over the bed, floor spotless, books, writing utensils, and laptop all placed neatly on his desk, and the bedside counter empty. It’s title remains the same as ever.

 

“There’s nothing interesting,” Taekwoon remarks.

 

“Your room now!”

 

Hongbin runs down to the living room, where the entrance to Taekwoon’s room is, and knocks on the door. Taekwoon does the honors of closing Hongbin’s door and he walks himself over.

 

“Why is it locked?” Hongbin asks, Taekwoon searching in his pockets for his key. “Do you not want others to see it?”

 

“I don’t want you to see it,” he replies, “but look what I’m doing.”

 

He jams the key and turns it to the right. Hongbin lightly pushes the door and allows himself to stand in the doorway, gazing at the room.

 

He walks further in and loudly examines the room. “Sheets like mine, floor like mine, desk like mine, counter like mine...are you a clean freak too?” He slightly turns his head to see if Taekwoon will answer, his eyes vibrant and stuck on the corner of his eye sockets, but gets rejected with a stare. “The only difference are all these drama DVDs and that wall.”

 

Hongbin points to the left wall, his eyes now moving there.

 

On the left wall, three evenly spaced out clocks are hung. There’s nothing else on that wall except those clocks.

 

Taekwoon walks into the doorway and leans on the side, his shoulder piercing into the jutting wood.

 

“Why aren’t they moving?” he asks.

 

They aren’t moving because they’re a story.

 

Taekwoon stopped the first clock when the minute and hour hand were both on the number six, stopped the second clock when the hour hand was on the ten and the minute hand two minutes before one, and never turned on the third clock, so the hour and minute hand are both at twelve. That was always up for decoration.

 

The first clock was stopped at 6:30 when Taekwoon realized how deep in love he and Hakyeon were, and since he found some weird interest in clocks, he stopped the first on those numbers to represent Hakyeon’s birthday. He’d never forget it this way, in case he turned out to be a terrible boyfriend (in which Hakyeon protested he wasn’t).

 

At first, the second clock was actually used as a clock to tell time rather than birthdays or decoration. That all changed when Hakyeon died. Once Hakyeon died, he had no other choice but to stop it on 8:02, the day of his death.

 

06.30.90. 08.02.14. Taekwoon thinks even numbers are weird, but Hakyeon is an exception. Taekwoon loves Hakyeon.

 

Taekwoon considers it his memorial for Cha Hakyeon. It’s his only picture of him that doesn’t show his face.

 

“It’s decoration,” Taekwoon misleads. It’s pathetic, but it should be enough to stop future questions on clocks and the meaning of 6:30 and 8:02.

 

Hongbin studies them closer. He strides by them slowly and looks wistfully at the last clock. He pivots his head to look at Taekwoon. He points at the clock. “Can I turn it on?”

 

Taekwoon glares at him and walks out of his room.

 

From outside, he can hear the power button sliding to the right and the adjustment of the clock. He knew he would turn it on.

 

Later that night, Taekwoon stares at the clocks in the gloom of his room.

 

6:30-8:02-11:1--

 

The minute hand moves.

 

6:30-8:02-11:18.

 

Even numbers are weird.

 

He can’t sleep because Hongbin’s watching TV and the sound isn’t really loud. He would’ve been able to sleep if the sound was loud, but it isn’t, which is annoying because he’s so used to sleeping with the volume high.

 

He gets out of bed and weakly walks into the living room. His door creaks and Hongbin reacts by lifting his head up till it’s above the back of the couch. His eyes are questioning and his expression screams curious. Taekwoon releases a sigh, knowing what he’s about to ask Hongbin to do is weird.

 

“You’re awake?” Hongbin asks, now resting his hands on the back of the couch and smiling. “There’s a movie coming up next. Do you want to watch it with me?”

 

Dammit. The one thing Taekwoon was hoping he’d avoid, he dodges incorrectly. “Um,” he says, “well, no--”

 

“It’s Werewolf Boy. My friend said it’s really good and that it’s his favorite.” He extends the vowel sounds in “really”, making an emphasis that Taekwoon feels uncomfortable with. He’s never done that before. “Please?” Is Hakyeon’s heart getting to him?

 

“Let me get my blanket.”

 

“No, don’t worry! We can share one.”

 

Taekwoon blinks heavily and roams to the couch. He sits on the left end since Hongbin’s taking up the right one and forces his legs under the cozy blanket.

 

The movie begins and both of them pay close attention, constantly trying to stay away from each other’s legs. Around ten minutes in, Hongbin stops trying and instead sits criss-cross-applesauce on the couch, chin reposed on the palms of his hands.

 

The movie finishes, and Hongbin is left red-eyed due to crying. His fingers constantly swipe at his eyes, taking the tears with them once away from his face. Taekwoon looks at him. He was crying like a baby and he feels the urge to comfort him, but he knows he wouldn’t do that. It’s just a movie anyways, no real comfort is necessary.

 

Hongbin glares at Taekwoon. “How did you not cry?” he questions. “Did you like it? Was it not good? I’m sorry that I made you watch it.”

 

Taekwoon rubs his eyes. “I liked it. No one died, really, and it was more touching than anything else.”

 

Hongbin’s lips curve up, and it’s the first time Taekwoon notices his deep dimples. He widens his eyes to make sure they’re real and doesn’t believe it when he registers that he hasn’t noticed them for a whole month and a half. He admits that Hongbin is beautiful--that was the first thing he may have actually had an opinion on when he first saw him up close, but he’s still so surprised by the dimples. It’s so rare for him to see dimples, and possibly for the first time since they met, Taekwoon gives a smile back to him.

 

Hongbin takes the smile by grinning.

 

His attention moves back to the screen. “Let’s watch another movie!” he exclaims. He points at the screen. “I haven’t seen this one since it came out! Have you seen it before?”

 

Taekwoon looks at the screen and sees the title being displayed. More than Blue. He shakes his head. “I’ll watch it if you want.”

 

“I want you to.”

 

“Then I’m going to go get my blanket.”

 

Hongbin allows him to this time and takes his blanket for himself.

 

Taekwoon started off the movie by sitting with his legs crossed on one another, and by the middle of the movie he’s still like that.

 

The clock ticks and it becomes two in the morning.

 

Taekwoon glances at Hongbin and sees him struggling to keep his eyes open. He continues to look at Hongbin until he finally collapses to his left and falls towards Taekwoon.

 

Taekwoon stays as still as a mouse with Hongbin’s head on his lap, eyes shut and fingers curled in. He slowly moves his arms over his body and lightly pulls on his blanket, bringing it to his shoulders. Hongbin himself takes his legs out from their original position and spreads them out over the arm rests.

 

He pats the boy’s head instinctively.

 

******

 

Now Taekwoon has to get used to having a functioning clock in his room again. It’s weird, hearing the tick resonate once a new hour starts or seeing it move.

 

A week and a half later it’s the same thing: on the couch, under blankets and watching a new movie, this time called Baby and Me. Hongbin’s cursing constantly instead of crying and is awing whenever the baby does something cute (which is every time it’s on screen).

 

The movie ends and instead of proposing to watch another film, he turns off the TV and leans forward towards Taekwoon. He lifts his phone, whose screen is sleeping, and smiles. “Wanna go?” he asks.

 

Taekwoon looks at the phone, then back at Hongbin. “It’s not on,” he replies.

 

Hongbin turns his phone and then frowns. After, he throws it on his lap and looks back at Taekwoon. “There’s a lantern releasing ceremony at the Han River. Wanna go with me?”

 

Taekwoon blinks. “I don’t have a lantern.”

 

“Maybe we can just steal two,” he says, shrugging his shoulders and giggling, “because I don’t have one either.”

 

“Then why do you want to go?”

 

“Because I want to experience it, and I want to see all the lanterns overtake the buildings’ lights. I want to see them float and have no worries about when they’ll let out.” He pauses. “I want to see something that isn’t like me.”

 

“I’m not like you,” Taekwoon intercepts.

 

“Yes you are,” he laughs. “We’re both male, gay, appreciative, and gullible.”

 

“I’m not gullible.”

 

“That’s just you not knowing.” He smiles and Taekwoon has to remind himself that those dimples are going to pinch his heart every time they show up, just like Hakyeon’s smile did. “So let’s go? It’s at nine.”

 

Taekwoon gets off the couch and heats milk up for hot chocolate.

  
“Thank you!”

 

******

 

By seven-thirty they’re in Taekwoon’s car, driving to the Han River so they can find a good place to wait and steal some lanterns while they’re at it. It’s awkwardly silent and no one does anything till Hongbin’s hand sprints out of his pocket and turns on the radio.

 

Taekwoon takes a quick glance at Hongbin, then keeps his eyes on the road. “You could’ve just told me,” he says.

 

“Did I need to?” he asks. “I’ve been living with you for more than a month and I need to ask to turn the radio on?”

 

“I was startled.”

 

Hongin laughs and raises the volume. It’s a song by IU, from what Taekwoon can tell by the voice, and it’s a bit old to his memories. Hongbin dances in his seat and does finger gestures that are probably from the choreography, all while mouthing the words instead of singing.

 

Right when the climax of the song is about to hit, Taekwoon says, “You can sing,” and Hongbin carols the song with heart and soul. Taekwoon smiles when he hears his voice, honestly reminding him of Hakyeon. Taekwoon remembers the lyrics and softly sings the lower harmony part. Once at a red light, he looks at Hongbin in the passenger seat and opens his mouth smiling and laughing all at once.

 

“Hyung, green light!” Hongbin says, still dancing in his seat.

 

Taekwoon’s eyes widen by the word “hyung”. He’s never been called “hyung” before because he was always the youngest and he didn’t have any younger family members to call him that.

 

“Hyung, drive! We need to get lanterns!”

 

A car behind beeps and, at a leisurely pace, Taekwoon steps on the gas and takes a right, finding a parking spot. The bank of the river isn’t filled with people, but there’s enough to maybe steal some lanterns.

 

The song ends and they get out of the car, Hongbin bringing along with him some snacks and a blanket for the two of them in a bag.

 

“What if someone can tell that we stole their lanterns?” Taekwoon asks, digging his hands into his jacket pockets. Snow’s going to be coming in soon and the breezes are just beginning. It’s not strong enough to outburst the lanterns, but just enough to help lift them into the air with an elegant speed.

 

“The rule was to bring only white lanterns,” he says, wind blowing his hair in different directions. He takes out his black beanie and pulls it over his head, a tiny bump of hair sticking out at the start of his hairline. “It’ll be easy. Want me to do it while you look for a spot?”

 

Taekwoon nods.

 

“Great,” he says, passing the bag to him. “Try to find one right next to the river--I think it’ll be prettiest there.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Taekwoon sets off and searches for a spot. He goes nearest to the bridge and finds a perfect place, empty and with little people there. He’s right against the railing, which he’s guessing is the goal, and he set’s up the blanket. He sits on it and waits for Hongbin.

 

A loud sound rings throughout the area and Taekwoon looks at the bridge. It begins to spray water on the side and colors flash, making the water seemed tinted. A warm smile spreads on his lips and he reminisces on when he was younger and visited. It was in the morning, and the sky was gray, and there was a lot of traffic, and it was snowing, and it was boring, and he never returned.

 

But now, the night fabricates the colors to stand out, and Taekwoon’s excited to see the addition of lanterns make the view better.

 

“Hyung!” Hongbin’s voice yells. Taekwoon’s head turns quickly to the sound of it. He’s running towards him, carrying two large white lanterns with him, one in each hand. “Hyung, I got them!”

 

Taekwoon claps and waits for him to flop himself down on the blanket. He hands one lantern to him and looks at the view. “This is beautiful,” he remarks. “You got the best view in the house.”

 

“Yeah, well, we’re here an hour early,” Taekwoon voices. “When did they say to release the lanterns?”

 

“Nine-ten.” He takes out a can of soda and opens it. “So?”

 

Taekwoon looks off into the river, still not believing that this can appear so alluring. “How’d you find out about this?” he asks.

 

Hongbin burps. “My friend posted it saying he couldn’t come and that he was sad about it.”

 

“Same friend from last time?”

 

“Yup.”

 

“What’s his name?”

 

“Lee Jaehwan. He’s a year older than me and likes to think he’s cute. He’s getting married soon.”

 

“That’s good for him.”

 

“He lives in Busan. He moved there for university and had to leave here. He visited a while back.”

 

Taekwoon nods and switches the subject. “You sing well.”

 

Hongbin laughs. “Hyung, have you heard yourself? Yourself singing, I mean. You think I’m good?”

 

Taekwoon swiftly moves his head to face him. “You heard me?”

 

“I have excellent ears!” Hongbin says, holding his ears and moving them back and forth. “In all seriousness though. You sing really well.”

 

He smirks. “Thanks.”

 

A moment of silence. “Has anyone ever called you hyung before?” Hongbin wonders. “You seemed surprised when I called you that.”

 

Taekwoon shakes his head.

 

“So I’m the first one to have called you hyung?”

 

Taekwoon nods.

 

“And to have turned that clock on?”

 

He nods again.

 

“What else will I be, then?”

 

Taekwoon shrugs his shoulders.

 

“We’ll just have to see.” He takes another chug of his soda and glares at the river with Taekwoon.

 

Two minutes before 9:10, they’re borrowing someone’s lighter near them for their lanterns. The area filled up quickly with families and couples, so conversation became harder to have due to the loudness of everyone.

 

“Are you ready?” Hongbin asks, going up against the railing while holding his lantern gently between his hands.

 

Taekwoon joins him. “Yep.”

 

He puts his right arm in between the two of them and they both look down at his watch.

 

“Three,” Hongbin counts down. “Two...one!”

 

They look at their lanterns, lift their arms, and release. Around them, people do the same and clapping echoes throughout the premise. Thousands of lanterns fly into the air and each one beams under the white cloth. They pile over the river and into the sky, doing just as Hongbin wanted: overtake the light of the buildings.

 

Smiles plaster onto everyone’s face immediately as they glance up.

 

“It’s amazing,” Taekwoon whispers, letting his hands fall over the railing.

 

He looks to his side and sees Hongbin snapping pictures of the view with his camera. He smiles a bit bigger now, and Hongbin looks back at him and captures his photo.

 

“Hey,” Taekwon says, smile fading away. “Hey, delete that.”

 

“But it’s nice!” Hongbin argues. “The lanterns and colored water behind you make a great background.”

 

“Delete it.”

 

“Fine.” He takes another photo, and continues to do so until Taekwoon stops telling him to delete them.

 

Hongbin throws his arms around Taekwoon and squeezes. Taekwoon’s eyes grow bigger, but he doesn’t attempt to push him off because he might do the same thing he did with the camera.

 

And there’s the heart thing. He might feel sad.

 

But this action reminds him of something too familiar. Hongbin isn’t what he was when they first met and became comfortable with one another.

  
He can’t help but think that Hakyeon’s heart is certainly affecting Hongbin.

 

******

 

There’s a park around the corner of Taekwoon’s apartment. It’s longer than the length of the building and has a manmade lake in the center. Since Taekwoon lives in the city, everyone knows about it and it’s usually crowded, either by the people exiting the huge supermarket across from it or merely just hanging around there. Taekwoon doesn’t like crowded places much, so he knows the right time to get there when it’s empty. It’s not early in the morning, but nor is it late at night.

 

He likes it there because it’s calm, quiet, relaxing, and across from his favorite cafe (which is on the verge of losing that label with all that’s gone on in there). If the cafe’s too crowded, then he’ll go the park and have his drink there. It’s a nice place, plenty of benches to sit on and dogs to stare at. He’s also spent a couple of dates there with Hakyeon, feeding ducks and searching the perimeter for that stupid sixty-dollar beanie that flew off Hakyeon’s head on the first windy day of their relationship. It was stuck in a tree, since there’s tons of those, and Taekwoon had to climb it just to get it. Then, his back landed on the grass and he was in the hospital for three days.

 

Hongbin’s out for the day again, as he has been for the past month. He claims he’s helping Jaehwan’s mother out in her restaurant, but the boy can’t cook for shit and his cleaning abilities don’t seem to be necessary in such an unoccupied place.

 

Taekwoon visits the park because his apartment’s stuffy and, from experience, people aren’t usually out there after the holidays. He takes his coat, combs his hair to cover his forehead, sinks his feet in his shoes, and walks out. It’s a five minute walk at the least.

 

The door to the cafe dings to tell the place there’s a new customer, and the barista looks up and smiles. Taekwoon orders a large hot chocolate and waits by the pick-up after paying.

 

“How are you feeling today?” she asks, the ends of her pink lips dragging up.

 

“Fine,” Taekwoon answers. “You?”

 

“I’m great, thanks for asking.” She puts a cup under a machine that shoots out the hot chocolate he ordered. “I’ve been wondering where that guy you used to always come with went.”

 

Taekwoon blinks. “Which one?” He’s come here many times with both Hakyeon and Hongbin, and recently Hongbin stopped dragging along.

 

“The one with the black hair and dark-ish skin.”

 

Taekwoon’s heart pounds. Hongbin has light brown hair and apricot skin, and Hakyeon was exactly what she described. He hasn't heard the name being said out loud since the day he met Hongbin. It's only been said in his mind when he asks questions about the heart (which is everyday when Hongbin returns home).

 

She covers the hot chocolate with a lid, slips it into a cup holder, and hands it to him. “Hello?” she coons. “Taekwoon?”

 

“How do you know my name?” Taekwoon questions.

 

She giggles and points at the cup. “You’ve been coming here for, what, four years? I’ve been here all along. Your name’s always on the cup.”

 

“Oh. Sorry.”

 

“It’s okay! But, what happened?”

 

“He moved,” he lies.

 

He leaves the cafe with a fake smile.

 

He sits at the bench in the center of the park, sipping on his warm hot chocolate. There’s a lot of benches around, a few occupied with couples and others with people browsing their phones. Not many people are out, just like Taekwoon likes it. It’s too cold for people to be as insane as everyone in this park and go outside.

 

Getting bored of just sitting there, he begins to examine a pair of lovers a couple feet away on a bench. The shorter one nuzzles its face in the crook of the taller one’s shoulder, causing the taller one to hug the other closer. The person allows itself to place its chin on the smaller one’s baggy hood, and though Taekwoon’s far, he can see the smile forming on the being’s lips.

 

He turns his gaze away because that’s exactly what Hakyeon would do to him if he saw him trembling, even with the blanket surrounding his body. Taekwoon shivers, though he isn’t cold, just thinking about it. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he wants to be loved again. It’s been too long, and it’s worst when the person he never really broke up with has forced his heart into someone Taekwoon lives with.

 

When he turned his gaze, Taekwoon’s eyes landed upon another someone eying the couple from a bench nearby. He knows it’s suspicious activity, and he’s already committed himself to finding what it’s all about once the couple moves away.

 

The person looks normal, a large tan jacket covering their upper half, a pair of baggy jeans, snow shoes, and a hood over the beanie on their head. This wouldn’t seem suspicious to Taekwoon if the person was on their phone and didn’t have sunglasses on, but that’s exactly what makes them suspicious at this moment. No one wears sunglasses when it’s snow out. No one comes to the park to stare at a couple.

 

By the time Taekwoon finishes his hot chocolate, which is about thirty minutes after, the couple walks off holding hands. The person’s gaze follows them, and Taekwoon stands up, throws his cup in a nearby trash can, and walks over to the person.

 

He approaches by blocking his view, standing right in front of what happens to be a boy. He leans his head in and notices the boy become stiff. He attempts to move, but Taekwoon’s too quick.

 

“What are you doing?” he asks, leaning closer to the boy so he can seem frightening, which usually leads to the truth.

 

“Hyung, I’m sor--” the other begins.

 

“Hyung?” Taekwoon interrupts. “Who are you calling hyung?”

 

The boy visibly blinks under his sunglasses, and Taekwoon gets so annoyed that he tears them off his face.

 

The sunglasses drop.

 

He grabs his arm and drags an equally surprised Hongbin back to the apartment.

 

******

 

“It’s not what it seems.”

 

Hongbin’s sitting on the larger couch, looking up at Taekwoon who stands a couple feet away with his arms crossed. Hongbin plays with his fingers, attempting to muster up a good excuse that Taekwoon can fall for.

 

“Was that who I think it was?” Taekwoon asks. Silence. “Was it Wonshik and Sanghyuk?”

 

Hongbin nods. Taekwoon facepalms himself and rubs his eyes. “Can I explain?” he asks.

 

“Please.”

 

Hongbin calms his fingers and places them by his sides, clutching onto his coat for moral support. “I know it seemed that I was over Wonshik. I’m sorry I tricked you into believing that. It’s just….”

 

When Taekwon looks at Hongbin to find a reason to why he stopped speaking, he discovers him beginning to cry.

 

“It’s just he was really good to me, you know?” he says, moving his view down to the floor. “Did you notice that? Wonshik was amazing, and it’s been a while since we’ve broken up and all, but it hurts so damn much to realize that what he did to me is what he’s doing with Sanghyuk. It hurts to see all of that go on and-and just leisurely observe it. It’s stupid of me! It’s stupid of me to still not be over that son of a bitch and it’s stupid of me to use this as an excuse for something else! But I don’t know why I keep finding myself leaning towards him or why him, of all people, had to make me feel this way. He could have used different tactics with Sanghyuk! He-he could have...ugh!”

 

Hongbin slides off the couch and lands on his knees, sobbing and pulling his hair out. He looks up at Taekwoon. His eyes are red, almost as if blistered, and his cheeks are stained a pink rose. His jaw shakes and tears are shaken off by the force.

 

“Help me, hyung,” he whimpers.

 

Taekwoon really doesn’t know what to do. He’s wondering if this isn’t the only thing that he’s been blinded by. Maybe he’s still taking those smokes into his bathroom, ruining Hakyeon’s heart with its smell and--oh God how is his heart right now? He’s having an emotional breakdown and it’s surely affecting his heart and what if it shatters? What if Hongbin just-just drops and it’s all because it took Taekwoon too long to think about the heart?

 

“What do you mean….‘an excuse?’” he asks.

 

Hongbin covers his right side of his face with his hand. “I mean….crawling back to Wonshik is somewhat my way of getting rid of feelings for someone new.”

 

And that’s exactly what Taekwoon did with Hakyeon, minus the "crawling back to" part. He thought helping Hakyeon get to someone else would be a good way to dispose his feelings, but that didn’t work out and he got stuck with some annoying kid who only thought about himself, also known as Hakyeon.

 

“Don’t do that,” Taekwoon advises. Hongbin stands up and cranks his head in a questioning way. “It won’t help you. It’ll only bring you down.”

 

They stare at each other for what seems like forever, and Taekwoon notices at last minute that they’re only about a foot away from each other. They’re about the same height, so eye contact becomes immediate. Hongbin’s blistered eyes make the soft brown iris pop out more, and even like this they’re beautiful. Taekwoon can take in every single facial aspect of Lee Hongbin, right here, right now. He knows where his dimples will dip in by the slight indentation on his cheek, how his lips are almost like scars now that they’ve been soaked with tears, and how his eyelashes curve perfectly to almost touch his bone.

 

His lips taste like salt once they’re on Taekwoon’s own pair of lips. Hongbin keeps his eyes shut tight, not allowing a single drop of light to enter behind those eyelids. His cold lips become warm after a second or two. Taekwoon pushes his lips pass Hongbin’s and slowly kisses him back, lightly closing his eyes. He’s tempted to run his fingers through the other boy’s hair and kiss him harder, but Hongbin squirms out of his hold. Taekwoon’s eyes open immediately, reacting to the loss of warmth.

 

Hongbin’s feet shuffle towards the door and escape from the other side of it.

 

Is his heart okay?

******

 

It’s been a week since Hongbin’s come home, and Taekwoon’s genuinely worried. For the heart, yes, but he’s come to have at least a small worry for the well being of the boy himself. He’s been walking back and forth in his living room, worrying over the heart and how the boy’s doing and that kiss. That kiss and the heart are going to raise Taekwoon's blood pressure.

 

Taekwoon knows he shouldn’t have kissed Hongbin. He knew that would scare him off, but that’s not what Taekwoon wanted. Taekwoon wants Hongbin near him, he wants his--no, Hakyeon's--heart to be in hawk eye’s view, and now he wants his lips on his whenever he’s cold. He’s convinced that Hakyeon has taken complete control over the boy because there’s no way Taekwoon would fall for someone else and it’s exactly what he experienced with Hakyeon.

 

He’s desperate for Hongbin. Where can he find Hongbin?

 

He overthinks and has to hear his name be repeated twice when his latte is ready. Taekwoon apologizes to the barista, who’s looking at him strangely today for a damn good reason, and returns to his seat in the completely empty cafe. The barista returns to the back room, leaving Taekwoon to be the only one listening to the indie music softly being played. Snow’s still blanketing the city, which only makes Taekwoon wonder if Hongbin’s out in the cold, and cars are beeping more than they do on rainy days.

 

A fully-covered being sits down in the seat across from Taekwoon, black suit racing all the way down to his feet and hood hovering over his eyes.

 

“E-Excuse me,” Taekwoon says softly.

 

The person takes off his hood and Taekwoon immediately lifts his head. His latte is left sitting in his mouth and he slowly swallows it. He blinks. As if comforting himself, he crosses his arms and leans back.

 

Hongbin’s surprised by the reaction and smiles simply, dimples as deep as black holes but still so much more attractive on him. “I’m glad to see you react like this,” he says in his low voice. "I'm usually just greeted with a glance or something."

 

“That's right,” Taekwoon says seriously. He wants to act worried, which is how he truly is, but he wouldn't let that out. No, not on someone like Hongbin, who only knows of a dark Taekwoon. The worried side of him isn't released till a comfortable relationship has been established. “This time I crossed my arms--”

 

“Jaehwan’s back in town,” Hongbin cuts. “He’s staying this time. Brought his girl out and everything, since apparently she originates from here too. The wedding’s in two weeks. I don’t want to go alone, so I’m asking if you’d like to come along.” He folds his hands on the table. “And that I may return to your apartment.”

 

Taekwoon stares and nods, sipping on his latte. He glances at his chest, right where his heart is. He hasn’t heard it yet. He doesn’t know if it’s changed or not. If it hasn’t changed, then that means that he’s fallen for Hakyeon all over again in a different body, and he’s fine with that. He'd prefer that. If it’s changed, he doesn’t know what has happened to it.

 

But he knows it hasn’t changed. He’s positive it hasn’t changed. Hakyeon is still alive.

 

“I like you,” Hongbin says. “I like you….a lot. If I dared to, I’d say I love you, but I’m not going to because I think we’re both unsure of the whole situation at hand. If it was okay though, I’d like to know if we can at least attempt an...us. You don’t have to, but this was my only conclusion since….you know….you kissed me too….”

 

Taekwoon places his hands on the table and gently taps each finger on the wood.

 

An us.

 

It's similar to the beginning of his previous relationship. The only difference is Hongbin wants to dive straight into it, while Taekwoon is more of a testing guy.

 

“Can we...try us out?” he asks, lifting one eyebrow up.

 

Hongbin looks offended. “Did we not?” he asks. “I thought--”

 

“I mean get used to it,” Taekwoon rectifies. “Get used to...an us.”

 

“Oh, so, go on dates and stuff?” He glances up at the ceiling in thought. “That makes sense. Did you think I was rushing it? I’m sorry if you did, I didn’t mean to it’s just it’s been a while since I’ve actually gotten into a relationship and being flustered is normal and I’m--”

 

Taekwoon slides his right hand over Hongbin’s shaking hands and gives the most sincere smile he’s given in a while.

 

******

 

Taekwoon’s not much of the “hold hands in public” kind of person, and he won’t be now even though they’re at a wedding and him and Hongbin just look like friends who are friends with the either the bride or groom. He’s never met Jaehwan before, nor has he met the wife, so whatever thoughts that are in everyone’s mind are completely fictional. He’s not even cracking a smile, and when he does, it’s a small one that surfaces when Hongbin looks at him.

 

They both mentally agree not to hold each other’s hand like they do to not talk while eating. It’s only been two weeks since they’ve been dating, making it three in theory if you count the kiss, so it still seems a bit illogical to be holding hands when all they can really exchange are “I like you.” This is their first official date anyways.

 

He has decided coming to this wedding was a big mistake. He doesn’t even know if Hongbin has any family members or anything that he should be meeting ahead of time, but here he is meeting the boy’s best friend first.

 

“Why do you look like a fish out of water?” Hongbin asks Taekwoon, nudging his right arm and smiling at him. It makes Taekwoon wish he was taller so that he can see him smile up at him instead, but his luck is terrible in all circumstances.

 

Hongbin is wearing navy blue slacks with a dark purple button-up. His hair is parted a little more than halfway, just like the day they met, and he decided to fancy himself up by putting on eyeliner.

 

If they were already comfortable with dating each other, he’d slam him against a wall because of how well and composed he looks, but he can’t.

 

He has no right to complain anyways. He’s the one who suggested this in the first place.

 

Taekwoon has to deal with wearing the exact same thing as him, just with a white shirt and black pants instead. Hongbin wanted to match, but not completely, and Taekwoon abides to him, just like how he did with Hakyeon.

 

“I can still breathe,” Taekwoon admits, “unlike the fish.”

 

 

Hongbin laughs. “Why are you so nervous?”

 

“I don’t know, maybe because our first date isn’t a nice, private one, and rather, one in a public area?”

 

“If it makes you feel better…” Hongbin points at Jaehwan and his bride. “He met her at a bar, had a one night stand, then ran into her at the college library.”

 

Taekwoon holds in his laugh. “And their first date?”

 

“They were gonna have lunch at some chain food store but they ended up seeing each other during their human anatomy class.” He laughs. “Fun.”

 

Taekwoon’s lips lift from one side and Hongbin flicks his shoulder.

 

“This is better than that, am I right?” he laughs. “Better be damn grateful, Jung Taekwoon. Now let’s go find our seats.”

 

They enter the small hall and find their seats. The walls are pure wood and small circular tables with white tablecloths cover the floor, excluding the squared section left for dancing. Sturdy wooden chairs circle around the table and the utensils look as if they’re on display at an antique store.

 

They sit at the table nearest to the dance floor, though their seats are facing away from it. It’s silence for the first five minutes that the rest of the crowd decides to catch their seats too.

 

“Does Jaehwan know about me?” Taekwoon asks.

 

Hongbin grins, stupid dimples making Taekwoon want to slap him for being so damn attractive. “Jaehwan and I know everything about each other because secrets will tear us apart.”

 

After all the important stuff of a wedding party happens, music for everyone to dance to begins to play, and Taekwoon just knows that Hongbin was glaring at him throughout the entire first song.

 

“I want to dance,” he loudly exclaims over the music to Taekwoon.

 

Taekwoon looks at him from the corner of his eye.

 

“Hyung, please dance with me.”

 

He continues to look.

 

“For me?”

 

Taekwoon digs his fork into his piece of chocolate cake and takes a bite. It’s stale, dry, and he forcefully shoves it down his throat. Filling his cup with soda, he attempts to hide his disgust and drinks till the taste fades.

 

“If you want to make this a better date, then we should dance,” Hongbin grimly admits.

 

Taekwoon takes another sip and doesn’t reply. It means no, generally, and his partner should know that well enough already. Silence should be taken as a no.

 

“I take that as a yes.”

 

He grabs Taekwoon’s wrist and drags him over to the packed dance floor, where everyone who’s dancing is either female-and-female or male-and-female.

 

Not male-and-male.

 

It’s silly. Taekwoon shouldn’t be embarrassed by something as simple as dancing, but he is and he wants to get away from it as soon as possible. It’s not even the fact that he’s dancing, but rather it’s the fact that he’s dancing with his boyfriend at his boyfriend’s best friend’s wedding on their first date.

 

He’s angry at Hongbin right now.

 

Since their seats are close to the dance floor, they’re already on it. Taekwoon’s extremely pissed and wants to drag Hongbin back to their seats, but his smile is irresistible and he doesn’t want to see it fade away.

 

Once Hongbin finds a spot, he begins dancing on his own, and Taekwoon just stands. People look oddly at them, as if they’re wondering why they were even invited to the wedding. Hongbin doesn’t realize them till he spins around and then notices Taekwoon’s stiffness.

 

His smile fades away.

 

He shifts his eyes to his chest, making him wonder what Hakyeon would do in a situation like this. He’d either run off in embarrassment, get mad at Taekwoon, or continue dancing. Dancing would be the most likely to happen, but only by a little. He’s come to terms that if Hongbin’s smile isn’t on, then he can look at his heart. They both make him equally happy, and being in a relationship means that when you look at that person, you will be happy no matter how they look.

 

Taekwoon isn’t ready to exactly test out how he’ll feel when his smile isn’t on, so he just looks at his chest. He doesn’t want to see a sad Hongbin, or an angry one, or a terrified one. He wants to see a joyful Hongbin at all times.

 

He feels his wrist being moved again and quickly gives Hongbin a surprised look, eyes wide. He’s smiling again, hand grabbing his other wrist, and moving them up and down. Hongbin laughs and Taekwoon gets shy all over, ducking his head and looking at Hongbin from under his eyebrows.

 

Hongbin gets closer to him till their foreheads touch. “I don’t care what people think,” Hongbin whispers loud enough for him to hear.

 

His lips leave a moist kiss on Taekwoon’s forehead and he returns to dancing awkwardly with Taekwoon.

  
 

******

 

“How much do you like this cafe?”

 

“A lot more than I should.”

 

Taekwoon ordered a small, bland coffee for the coldest day ever recorded in Seoul. He’s a smart ass, he knows, but he didn’t want to get a large, let’s say, white chocolate cappuccino to last him the entire date. He wanted a small so if the conversation gets awkward, he can escape by saying he was going to get more coffee.

 

“By the rate we’re visiting here,” Hongbin laughs, “this might be the only place we’ll ever have a date!”

 

“Would you like that?” Taekwoon asks. “I wouldn’t mind.”

 

“I don’t want that,” Hongbin admits to Taekwoon’s displeasure. “Have you been to the zoo? I think we should go there next.”

 

“That’s not exactly private either. They put you in a caged car with a driver who knows a lot about animals. There’s another person there with you.”

 

“Do you not like the zoo, or animals?”

 

“They’re okay. I like how they cage us instead of the animals.”

 

“Are you being sarcastic?”

 

“No.”

 

Hongbin smiles and drinks his large hot chocolate. “Then maybe a musical production?”

 

“No interaction.”

 

“Hey, as long as you’re with me. Maybe that’ll inspire you. Become a musical actor!”

 

“My forte is not musical acting.”

 

“Oh, I doubt that!” Hongbin exclaims, slamming his hands down on the table. “C’mon! You get to act and sing with idols and--”

 

“What, you want me to be in there so you can meet idols?”

 

“Not just idols. Girls’ Generation.”

 

“They’re idols.”

 

“THEY’RE GODDESSES.”

 

Taekwoon stifles a laugh. “I thought you liked IU, from that song in the car.”

 

“IU’s amazing.”

 

“So it’s a competition between Girls’ Generation and IU?”

 

“They’ve got competition with Park Hyoshin, sir.”

 

Surprised is Taekwoon’s reaction. “You mean the guy old--”

 

“Old people aren’t the only ones who like him! Why does everyone think that?”

 

“Old people like ballads.”

 

“IU sings ballads.”

 

Taekwoon looks down, puts his fingers between his eyebrows, and shakes his head. “Never mind.”

 

“Damn right, ‘never mind.’” He gets up, taking his coffee cup with him. “I’m getting more hot choco and something to eat. Want anything?”

 

The other looks at his small coffee cup, glances back up at Hongbin, and says, “A large latte would do me well.”

 

Hongbin gives him a look, the type that reads, ‘and…?’

 

“Coffee cake.”

 

With an annoying (yet satisfactory) dimpled smile, he heads off to the cashier.

 

Taekwoon takes this time to think.

 

It’s been five days since the wedding. Not much, but in reality, it feels like everyday is a date since they live together. It’s usually “We date for several months and then the weird one asks you to move in” but no, not this time. This can come off as a good thing--faster connections, more comfortable, see each other all the time. There’s also the bad part--want a break, distance, more awkward moments. It’s a whirlwind.

 

He wants to take this easy. He didn’t want to rush anything, but that’s how it feels. Five days after their first terrible date, they’re at a cafe, and maybe in two weeks they’ll be in a caged car with a zoologist, and then maybe another week without a date would be too long so three days later, Hongbin’s singing “Dancing Through Life” in the car. On their way to see the musical, Wicked.

 

How can they take things easy when their relationship is practically as fast as trying to catch the last bus home?

 

“I’m now regretting buying myself a chocolate croissant,” Hongbin says, sliding a paper bag with Taekwoon’s coffee cake across the table to him. He sits down and begins to warm his hands with the cup. “There’s gonna be chocolate all over my fingers and I’m going to feel disgusting and I really should’ve just gotten coffee cake.”

 

“Want mine?” Taekwoon offers.

 

“No, no, it’s okay hyung. You wanted a coffee cake.”

 

“But I’m fine with a chocolate croissant.”

 

“Hey, you said you wanted a coffee cake. Done deal. You don’t need to address my wants.”

 

“But I want to. I’ll take your croissant.”

 

“Jung Taekwoon--”

 

He switches their snacks and rips off a piece of the croissant. He eats it and blinks at Hongbin. “What?”

 

“I can’t believe I’m dating you.”

 

He bites off another piece. “Enjoy your coffee cake.”

 

Hongbin blushes and pokes at the coffee cake with a fork. “Thank you.”

 

Taekwoon licks the chocolate off his fingers and nods.

 

******

 

Taekwoon was off by a week.

 

“Why’s it empty?” Hongbin asks.

 

Suddenly, there’s a thud on the hood of the car and Hongbin jumps in his seat. A shadow looms over the caged window and the next thing both of them know, a female lion is glaring at them through the squared holes.

 

“She totally came from behind,” Hongbin says, getting closer to the window. “Right?”

 

The zoologist in the driver’s seat nods and begins blurting out facts on female lions. Taekwoon slides over closer to Hongbin and tries to get a closer look of the animal. His chin hovers over Hongbin’s right shoulder and instead of leaving his hands to lay flat on the leather seats of the car, he does what seems right to him and hugs Hongbin from behind. The other reacts by slightly looking to his right and dipping his head down.

 

Two weeks after the cafe date, Hongbin wanted to go to the zoo and rent a private car to look around. Taekwoon didn’t have the urge to reject when he was all smiles and dimples, so they left early in the morning so they could be eligible for a private car. They were lucky and got one, and their tour started right away.

 

The first stop was the safari, where once they got there, was empty. Then the female lion jumped out and decided to greet them.

 

“When will the other animals be out?” Taekwoon asks, privately making faces at the lioness.

 

“They should be out by now,” the zoologist says, “but if not, it’s okay. We come back down this route, so you’ll get to see all the animals twice.” He steps on the gas and begins to drive.

 

“Why isn’t it moving?” Hongbin whispers. “Shouldn’t it get off? Hey!” He begins to speak to the lioness. “I’d consider getting off, you know? Looking at us like that and driving seems a bit dangerous.” Taekwoon smiles at Hongbin’s concern. “You live on the dangerous side of life.”

 

The lioness jumps off while the car is moving and Hongbin straightens his back in surprise. Taekwoon smiles at the cute gesture.

 

“It reminds me of you,” Hongbin says.

 

“The lioness?” Taekwoon asks. He pokes Hongbin’s stomach and the other responds by punching his hands.

 

“Just my opinion, don’t be offended. I just think you’re like a lion in general. Some breed of cat!”

 

“Some breed of cat,” he repeats. “Okay.”

 

Hongbin turns his head and kisses Taekwoon’s cheek.

 

Hongbin’s fascination with all the animals is Taekwoon’s source of happiness. He never found gazelles so surprising or a bear eating fish to be “innovative”, but that’s what Hongbin thought and every time he did react like that, Taekwoon would hug him tighter.

 

When they were done with the tour, Taekwoon found himself being dragged to a farmhouse near the exit of the zoo. “What are we doing?” Taekwoon moans.

 

“Piglets!” Hongbin exclaims. “I want to hold baby pigs!”

 

“Pigs?”

 

“Yeah! They’re really cute.” He stops at the entrance and lightly pinches Taekwoon’s cheeks. “Like hyung.”

 

Hongbin forcefully brings Taekwoon through the entrance. It smells like manure. Baby pigs are inside pens, oinking at everything and huddling.

 

Taekwoon finds them absolutely adorable and leans over the gates, smiling and cooing at the baby pigs. There’s maybe five, but there is more at the back of the pen under a sheltered roof.

 

Hongbin throws his arm around Taekwoon’s shoulder. “Wanna hold ‘em?” he asks grinning.

 

The other holds his hand and they walk over to the supervisors, asking for suits and such. After throwing a cloak over their outfits, they walk (embarrassingly) hand-in-hand to the pigs. Taekwoon’s more eager than ever and is making up this plan in his head on how to at least take one. He wants them all, but he’ll allow himself to take at least one. Or two. Depends how well his plan goes.

 

They’re quickly instructed on how to grab and hold the pigs. He replies with a nod at everything said and is the first to hold a pig. He tries to contain his smile and Hongbin laughs at him. “Hyung, just smile!” he insists. “You’re holding a pig!”

 

Instantly, weird noises that Taekwoon makes with his mouth make the pig move in his arm. It starts to move its snout and let out screech oinks that would’ve annoyed Taekwoon if he wasn’t holding this adorable pig in practically the palm of his hands. “Are they for sale?” Taekwoon asks a couple minutes later, deciding not to go with the stealing idea.

 

“No,” the supervisor says.

 

Taekwoon pouts, gently puts the pig down, and lightly nudges Hongbin. “Let’s go.”

 

“Why?” he asks, putting the pig down after.

  
“Because they aren’t selling pigs.”


	2. beat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which taekwoon and hongbin grow more!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6,850 words  
> (aka less!!!)

******

One entire month since they’ve been dating, and Hongbin is accessorizing his eyes by putting the now empty cups of water over his them. He widens his eyes and laughs. “Take a picture!” he begs. “Hyung, take a picture before my eyes burn!”

Taekwoon rests his chin on his palm and stares intensely at him. “You’re stupid.”

“Take it!”

Lazily, Taekwoon takes out his phone and snaps the picture. He gives it a half-smile and secretly makes it his lock screen photo.

“Let me see it, you dweeb,” Hongbin says, reaching across the table for his phone. Taekwoon slides it and it falls in Hongbin’s lap. “Or that.” He takes a look at it. “Ah...never mind. Delete it for me, yeah?”

Taekwoon nods, takes back his phone, locks the photo, never deletes it, and closes his screen.

They went to a restaurant to celebrate one month of being together and around four months of living together. Hongbin wanted the food to be on him, since Taekwoon’s always cooking his meals, and they hadn’t gone on a date since the zoo, which was last week.

The server comes with their checkbook and Hongbin’s credit card inside. Now that they’re done, they exit the restaurant and walk with intertwined hands to their apartment.

“You know, dates aren’t, like, a weekly thing, right?” Taekwoon asks.

“Do you not like dates?” Hongbin asks.

“We live together. Can’t we just have movie night or something?”

Hongbin looks at him. “Sorry.”

Taekwoon does the right thing and kisses the other’s cheek, out of guilt, really. “Don’t be. Ignore me. It was only a suggestion.”

That night, Taekwoon’s up watching cartoons and Hongbin’s in the bathroom, getting ready to take one of his long-ass showers. He doesn’t know what he does in there, but they take at least an hour and a half. The water bill’s gone up too, but Taekwoon doesn’t want to say anything because Hongbin likes to apologize and fix his errors.

There’s a knock at the door. Both of them aren’t expecting anyone, from what he knows. No one ever comes over either, especially at ten o’clock.

Carefully, Taekwoon walks to the door and opens it.

A familiar face--really familiar. Interesting facial structure, kind of tall, brown hair, big nose….

“Is Hongbin here?” Jaehwan asks.

“Uh,” Taekwoon utters. “Uh--um?”

“I know I come here uninvited but…” He looks at Taekwoon and distorts his face, almost as if he’s unpleased. “I need to talk to him about something.”

The sound of water echoes from behind him.

“He’s taking a shower...but you’re welcomed to stay till he finishes.”

Jaehwan nods and enters, looking around the apartment and trying to figure out where he should sit.

“You can sit on the couch,” Taekwoon says, plunging himself down on the larger one. Jaehwan settles for the single couch.

Thinking it’s rude, Taekwoon shuts off the cartoons and looks around his place awkwardly. The other looks at the wooden stand next to him and examines the pictures. There’s one of Taekwoon’s parents, and the other is of two hands intertwined: one clearly darker than the other. He looks closer at it and Taekwoon becomes possessive, but he then turns his head and smiles at him.

“What were you watching?” he asks. “You can continue watching if you want.”

“Oh, um…” Taekwoon’s voice fades, switching his eye contact to the remote control. Though he wants to fight the urge to press the power button, he finds his index finger already pressing it and the light from the the television getting brighter. “I don’t know what I was watching.”

“Was it interesting?”

Taekwoon nods. Jaehwan looks at the screen and smiles. “I know this!” he exclaims, pointing at the screen.

Taekwoon looks at him from the corner of his eyes and seems him squinting his eyes, trying to remember the title. “I know what it’s called, I know what it’s called, I know what it’s called!” he repeats.

He begins to slam his head on the couch, muttering to himself and clutching the leather of the couch. He does that for several minutes.

Taekwoon wants to kick him out.

“What is taking Hongbin so damn long?” he yells, facing Taekwoon and the soft noise of water falling behind them.

“He takes long showers,” Taekwoon states.

Jaehwan sighs. “Do you take long showers?”

Taekwoon shakes his head.

“So the water bill’s like--” Jaehwan quickly moves his hand above him and stretches his arm out as much as he can, attempting to indicate a raise.

Taekwoon nods.

The other shakes his head and returns to focus on the photos. Taekwoon wants to distract him--maybe he can find out the name of the show, or ask him questions about Hongbin, anything--

“Are those your parents?” he asks, pointing at their photo. Taekwoon nods slowly, getting a bit protective with his parents too. “Your mother’s pretty. Not prettier than mine, but pretty.”

Taekwoon highly doubts that because of the length of that nose on his face.

Jaehwan’s gaze switches to the other photo: the one he’s most protective of. “And this one…?”

“Don’t touch--”

“Is this you and Hakyeon’s hands?”

Taekwoon’s eyes widen and he snatches the photo away from him. “Do you just touch people’s belongings--”

“Is this you and Hakyeon’s hands?” Jaehwan asks again, this time leaning forward and pointing at the photo. Taekwoon looks at him with suspicion, eyes widened and lips slightly parted.

“How do you know Hakyeon?”

“Answer me!”

“You answer me first.”

“I asked first. Is this you and Hakyeon’s hands?”

Taekwoon’s angry. “I asked,” he says through grinded teeth, clutching the photo, “how you know who Hakyeon is.”

“And I asked--”

“No!”

“Don’t lie to me. That isn’t Hongbin’s. His skin is much lighter and those are not his fingers. I can tell you that much.”

“What if it’s my parent’s?”

Jaehwan grabs the photo of Taekwoon’s parents and points. “They are not this dark. Only Hakyeon is.” He points at the photo in Taekwoon’s hand. “So that’s Hakyeon.”

Taekwoon stays silent with an expressionless face. Yes, it’s Hakyeon’s hand, but he isn’t going to admit that to his boyfriend’s best friend. Moreover, he wants to know how Jaehwan knows who Hakyeon is. What he’s expecting is that Hongbin had told him about him and how he owns his heart and all, but there’s always that small possibility that he found out some other way.

“How do you know Hakyeon?”

“Oh, man. I wish Hongbin was here to see this. Stop asking about Hakyeon!”

“How do you know Hakyeon?” he asks again.

“Let me tell you something. I’m here because I wanted to tell Hongbin alone about you. I wanted to tell him I’m worried for him because of you.”

Jaehwan gives a face as if expecting a reply that would backfire that claim, like, “You don’t need to worry about him,” or, “That’s my job.”

But instead, “How do you know Hakyeon?”

“You see!” Jaehwan exclaims, throwing his hands in the air. “This is why. You’re not possessive at all! In a real relationship, you say that it’s your job to make the other happy and whatnot. You? You’re just all over Hongbin because he owns Hakyeon’s heart.”

“How do you know Hakyeon?”

“You never really got over Hakyeon. You’re still with him because his heart is still beating. To you, he never really died. You haven’t cried since his death because he hasn’t died. You know what else takes part when someone dies? Their muscles stop moving, their brain stops working, their blood stops flowing, their breathing stops happening, their body stops growing, and their heart stops beating. All of that has stopped for Hakyeon except the heart. Hakyeon is dead. For all I know, the heartbeat isn’t the same. Stop obsessing over someone that’s dead.”

It’s scary to Taekwoon, how Jaehwan just said practically everything he’s been wondering and feeling. Hakyeon hasn’t died to him. He will only accept Hakyeon’s death when he finds out how his heart beats.

He doesn’t want to know how his heartbeat. He wants to believe that it’s still the same, and not be faced by the fact that it’s changed.

“How do you know Hakyeon?”

Jaehwan escorts himself out of the apartment.

******

They enter the bookstore hand-in-hand. They’ve been doing that lately, and now it’s just a habit. Walking next to each other? Holding hands. Sitting across from each other? Most likely holding hands. Together? Holding hands. Something about Hongbin’s hands make Taekwoon feel comfortable.

“It’s so empty,” Taekwoon whispers, thinking that bookstores and libraries have the same policy of silence.

“That’s because everyone likes the internet,” he says in his normal voice. “You can read on the internet.” He looks throughout the bottom floor. “What do you like to read, hyung? Historical, art, science fiction, YA books…”

“Um...what about you?”

“Anything,” he simply says.

“What’s upstairs?”

“Children’s books, but we’re in our twenties, hyung.”

Taekwoon drags Hongbin up the stairs as he continuously whispers, “Taekwoon, that’s children’s books! Children’s! There will be children up there!”

Well, “up there,” there wasn’t any children. A couple of adults maybe looking for books for their children, but no children. Taekwoon heads for an aisle that is in the far back and empty, and once he finds the right one, he takes his seat on the floor.

Hongbin looks down at him, still holding his hand. “Why are we here?”

“I don’t like to read,” Taekwoon confesses. “Not unless they have pictures.”

Hongbin giggles and takes his seat next to him, leaning forward and picking a book out from the shelf. “That’s not considered reading if you’re looking at the pictures.”

Taekwoon snatches the book, lets go of Hongbin’s hand, reads the title, and starts to find some sort of answer. “Did you pick this book on purpose?” he asks, pointing at the title.

“Do Not Open This Book!” he reads, “by Michaela Muntean. Illustrated by Pascal Lemaitre.” He looks back at Taekwoon and gives an open-mouthed smile. “I just picked whatever!” He clutches the book, but the other holds onto it for life. “You aren’t allowed to read it.”

“I want to open it,” Taekwoon snaps.

“But you can’t. You were instructed to not open it.”

“I’m the hyung.”

Hongbin pouts and lets him open the book.

It’s filled with pictures. Clearly a children’s book. Even the words are illustrated in, and Taekwoon’s face lights up. They read the book together, and when the time comes to fill in the blanks with someone’s name, Taekwoon’s already using Hongbin’s name.

“Hey!” he says. “I’m not a pest!”

“The book says otherwise.”

Hongbin smiles and rests his head on Taekwoon’s right shoulder, reading along with Taekwoon and listening to his comments on the artwork made to impress children.

As he reads, Taekwoon wants to keep on reading forever. He wants to stay in this position with Hongbin and the book and talk about it here and there. He feels comfortable after not being comfortable for so long.

“You helped make the book,” Hongbin claims. “Congrats.”

Taekwoon lightly smacks Hongbin’s face with the book, puts it away, and takes out another one. “The pictures in this book are really nice,” Taekwoon says, showing the other The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle.

“I’ve never heard of this one,” Hongbin says. He turns his head and gleams his eyes at him. “Read it to me?”

Taekwoon reads the lines quickly, then goes straight to the talk of the pictures. He talks about the holes in the book and how they’re supposed to be there, representing a caterpillar and how he really wanted an ice cream cone after seeing the portrayal of it. He does that for the entire book and for another two books, in which Hongbin silently and carefully listens to every word. His hum is melodic in his ears and he wants to fall asleep to him humming a tune, but he the pictures are distracting.

After putting away the last book, he sighs and says, “I’m done.”

Both turn their heads to look at each other, and Hongbin gives a soft smile with sleepy eyes.

“Are you tired?” Taekwoon asks.

“Your voice is nice,” Hongbin admits. “I like hearing you talk about things you like.”

“Want to hear more?”

Hongbin makes a face, as if not wanting to hear more about pictures, and Taekwoon puffs out a laugh.

It would be awkward if they were in another situation--the silence, that is. But, this is the silence in which they observe each other's faces and find their lips getting closer each second.

Taekwoon digs right in.

It’s slow, of course. Taekwoon wants to take things slow anyways, though it’s been a month of cheek-kissing and wanting to furiously make Hongbin his. His lips are warm and soft, most likely the opposite of Taekwoon's. Eyes are closed and his hand finds his way behind Hongbin’s neck, pulling him closer to him. The last time they kissed each other’s lips was when Hongbin plainly confessed his crush on Taekwoon and left for a damn week, and now that he’s back, he doesn’t want to lose his chance of having a legit kiss.

Hongbin wants the kiss to be deeper. It’s a battle inside their mouths and it’s probably something they shouldn’t do in a children’s books aisle of a bookstore, but this moment is so important that they don’t care. No one’s run into them for the past hour, so who’s going to now?

Taekwoon hasn’t had a kiss like this in so long. He’s had a desire for it to happen again and after so many months, it’s finally happening. He wants to take Hongbin home and finish it off, but he reminds himself that he’s taking things slow. He proposed the idea, so he’ll stick to it. The last time he didn’t stick to what he said, he ended up with Hongbin living under his roof.

They get so close to each other that Taekwoon begins to fear what he’s been fearing since the start: his heart. If he gets too close, he’ll hear Hongbin’s heartbeat and he’ll find the truth out about it and he’ll escape the scene. This time, he’ll escape.

Taekwoon pulls away and breathes heavily. He smiles at Hongbin and holds his hand tightly. Hongbin smiles back, blushes arising in his cheeks and dimples coming out. He rests his head on Taekwoon’s chest and whispers something he can’t hear.

Letting go of his hands, he puts his arms around Hongbin instead and lets one hand ruffle his hair.

That damn heart.

******

It is ten at night and Taekwoon is watching the cartoon whose name no one remembers. The channel hasn’t announced it, Hongbin doesn’t remember it...he even asked the barista at the cafe about it, and she didn’t know either.

He stares at the main character with his arms crossed. It’s making him angry. He’s already tried putting the description of the main character in search bars, but all that comes up are celebrities. He closes his eyes, attempting to think harder, and when he opens them, Hongbin is at the other side of the couch, watching the show.

Taekwoon glances at him, then at the screen. “Have you figured it out yet?” Hongbin asks.

He shakes his head.

Since the kiss a couple of days ago, it seems they’ve been a bit more open to each other. Taekwoon has trouble opening up, but Hongbin can get at it quicker than him. It can be seen as either sad or great that it took them a whole month to get to that point, but they're taking it as a good thing.

For the next twenty minutes, they watch the show silently.

Which is weird.

Hongbin doesn’t pay attention to this show. He talks to Taekwoon, who doesn’t pay attention to what he’s saying, and asks for his opinion on photos that he’s taken. But now, he’s simply listening to it and looking down at his feet during commercials. He hasn’t smiled since yesterday, which has been bothering Taekwoon. He hasn’t been doing any of the things he usually does.

The show ends and Taekwoon turns off the TV. He looks at Hongbin, who continues to look down at his feet.

“Hongbin,” Taekwoon whispers. Hongbin doesn’t reply or look at him.

“Lee Hongbin,” Taekwoon whispers again. No reply.

Taekwoon bites the inside of . “Bin-ah,” he says in his regular voice.

Hongbin quickly looks up and to the side to see Taekwoon. His eyes are widened--Taekwoon was hoping for a possible smile, since that’s the first time he’s ever called him something besides “Hongbin” or “Lee Hongbin”, but no luck.

“Are you okay?” he asks him.

Hongbin looks away from Taekwoon and goes back to his feet, making Taekwoon slightly angry inside.

“Answer me, Hongbin.”

“I’m fine,” he says.

Taekwoon scoots closer to him and has his body face the side of Hongbin’s. “Then why aren’t you talking?” he asks softly. “Or smiling?”

Hongbin sighs and turns his head to face him. “Hyung, really, I’m--”

Taekwoon leans forward and looks at him straight in his brown eyes. He can see the other’s lips quivering slightly.

“Don’t lie to me.”

Hongbin looks away and pushes him off. He gets off the couch, walks a little away from it, and makes his back face Taekwoon.

“Can I ask you something?” Hongbin silently asks.

Taekwoon doesn’t answer.

Hongbin covers his face with one hand. “What am I to you?”

Taekwoon straightens his back at the question and tries to muster up an answer.

Hongbin turns around in the midst of it. “You have to think about it?” he asks, offended.

Taekwoon glares at him.

“The other night,” Hongbin begins, “when Jaehwan came by to see me. Did you know I heard all of it? All of your conversation was heard by me.” He takes a deep breath, lip still visibly quivering. “He talked about how you’re not over Hakyeon and all you would ask is ‘How do you know Hakyeon?’ and you just tried to stay away from the fact that”--he picks up the photo of Hakyeon and Taekwoon’s hands, pointing at Hakyeon’s hand--”these are his hands!” He drops the photo on the floor, making Taekwoon stiffen and get ready to get off the couch. Hongbin looks at the photo, then back at his boyfriend. “It’s fine. Stop worrying so much about the photo.”

Taekwoon loosens a little bit.

“Is that photo all you worry about?”

Taekwoon shakes his head.

“What do you worry about, Taekwoon?” he asks.

“You,” Taekwoon says immediately.

“How about you don't lie to me!” Hongbin screams. “I have lived with you for four months, and I know way too well that you don't worry about me.”

Taekwoon gets off the couch and walks slowly up to him. Hongbin backs away in return, shaking his head and seeing tears begin to build up at the edge of his eyes. Taekwoon stops walking towards him.

“I'm only here because of one thing.” His voice trembles.

Taekwoon shakes his head.

“My heart,” he finishes. “I'm here because of my heart.”

Taekwoon shakes his head again, faster than before.

“No?" Hongbin raises his voice. “Did I say it wrong? Am I here because of Cha Hakyeon's heart?”

“Don't say that," Taekwoon whispers.

“You know it's true. Ever since you told me that you were his boyfriend, I figured why you asked me to move in. I remember you saying to keep my heart away from you, but I always knew you wanted his heart near. I wholeheartedly believe what Jaehwan said.”

There is complete silence. Hongbin blinks and a tear falls from his right eye.

“Don’t believe it,” Taekwoon says. “Don’t believe what he said.”

“I thought you were a really great person, actually. I thought that I had finally found someone who could love me for me and give themselves up for that, but you don’t love me.”

Taekwoon wants to throw his arms around Hongbin and let him cry on his shoulder, comfort him till he falls asleep and tell him everything he’s been feeling.

The truth is, Taekwoon obviously did ask Hongbin to move in because of his heart. He still believes Hakyeon is alive because that heart is beating, and Taekwoon wants to take care of it. He wants to make it happy again. Yes, Hongbin developed a crush due to it, but Taekwoon can’t say that he didn’t either. Taking care of his heart was like falling for Hakyeon all over again, yet still completely different. The person he was falling for wasn’t Hakyeon, but the heart was. The heart was Hakyeon’s.

Shitty thing though, he fell head over heels, and he knows for exactly what. Yes, there’s Hakyeon’s heart beating in Hongbin, which is making him believe Hakyeon’s still alive, but he fell for that a long time ago. He’s fallen all over again. You don’t re-fall for a love you’ve always had.

But you can fall for something new.

Taekwoon has fallen for Hongbin, and not because he has Hakyeon’s heart.

“Do you love me,” Hongbin asks, voice trembling way more than before, “or do you love my heart?” 

He’s afraid of heartbreak again. Taekwoon knows it.

He stares at him. He’s fighting the urge to hug him because he knows he’s just going to get pushed away.

“Answer me!”

“Yes.”

“Yes what!” Hongbin yells, immediately making himself small by crouching down. He wraps his arms around his knees.

Taekwoon walks up to him, crouches down in front of him, and moves his ruffled hair away from his face. “I love you, Hongbin,” he silently admits. “I love you more than I ever thought I would.”

Hongbin looks at him for what seems like an eternity. “Are you lying to me?”

Taekwoon cups the other’s face softly and kisses him slowly. “No, so stop fearing it.”

******

Hongbin stays with Taekwoon for the night. Taekwoon is comfortable with Hongbin in his arms, slowly beginning to fall asleep.

“Have you lied to me before?” Hongbin’s voice drags.

Taekwoon tries to think of times he has lied. “Once,” he replies.

“What was it?” 

“I don’t want to tell you. I don’t like letting people know.”

Hongbin turns around in his arms to face him. “Do you think you can tell me some time in the future?”

Taekwoon bites his lip. “Maybe.”

Hongbin nods and closes his eyes, obviously way too tired from all the crying and panicking that happened an hour ago. Taekwoon kisses his forehead and tries his best to go to sleep.

It becomes two in the morning and he’s super tired, but he just can’t go to sleep. Something’s bothering him. Taekwoon took his arms out from under Hongbin a while ago, but that can’t be anything to do with the reason why he’s not sleeping.

Taekwoon looks at Hongbin. He tries to figure out what may be keeping him up, but fails to do so. He breathes out through his nose and attempts to fall asleep.

His mind tells him there’s something he needs to check.

Taekwoon immediately thinks of the heart.

He widely opens his eyes and stares at Hongbin’s chest. This is his moment to check if the heartbeat is still the same, if there’s a part of Hakyeon in Hongbin or not.

He needs to check if Hakyeon is dead.

Taekwoon slowly begins to move down the bed until his ear is at Hongbin’s chest. He really shouldn’t do this. He should just never find out. The rest of the world can believe he’s dead, but Taekwoon can keep the fake fact that Hakyeon is alive and well because his heart still beats.

Hakyeon’s heart still beats the same.

But this has been long overdue. It’s been almost five months since Hakyeon passed away.

Taekwoon can’t stop hiding the truth.

As his ear gets closer to his heart, Taekwoon closes his eyes and expects the best.

His ear touches the other’s chest and he doesn’t hear anything for a couple of seconds.

Just when Taekwoon decides to save himself from hearing the tune, it surges through his ear.

Taekwoon listens to it with opened eyes, taking in the sound and processing it through his head.

He cries.

He cries a lot, to the point where he literally begins to lose his breath and tremble excessively. He feels Hongbin move and he backs away immediately.

“Taekwoon,” he mutters. “Taekwoon hyung, are you okay?”

He breathes heavily and cries some more. He can’t believe it at all.

He begins to hit Hongbin’s chest repeatedly and softly whines out, “Why?”

Hongbin hugs Taekwoon close to him, despite how much Taekwoon wants to stay away from him.

“Hyung, what’s wrong?”

Taekwoon shakes his head and whispers, “I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

Hongbin nods and kisses the top of his head.

Taekwoon rests his head on the other’s shoulder. Being the same height isn’t so bad right now.

Taekwoon’s crying doesn’t stop throughout the night. It happens on and off and the only thing helping him is the tighter hold of Hongbin.

Hearing his heart was a bad idea.

It was the worst idea he’s ever had.

The heart was different. The beat was different, the feel was different, the sound, the speed--everything wasn’t like Hakyeon’s heart. The melody changed, the harmony was in a different key.

Taekwoon whispers, “It’s different,” and screams into Hongbin’s shoulder, biting the tear-stained shirt and trying to concentrate on the hold Hongbin has of him rather than the stupid heart.

“Just continue to cry, okay?” Hongbin whispers back to Taekwoon.

It’s the first time Taekwoon has cried over Hakyeon’s death.

******

He wakes up alone in bed. Looking to his right, he finds the clock ticking away. It’s almost 9:30 and Taekwoon’s ready to starve until the afternoon.

He sits up and sighs heavily, honestly not wanting to see Hongbin until he sees Hakyeon’s grave.

Which he should go see, since now he knows he’s dead.

He gets out of bed and begins to ready himself up in a simple tuxedo. He allows his hair to sweep over his forehead messily.

He skips his morning routine and heads out, not finding Hongbin to be anywhere inside the apartment and not caring at all.

The first thing he does is call Hakyeon’s sister from outside the apartment building.

“Hello?” she says.

“This is Taekwoon.”

Silence. Long, boring silence, to the point where he thinks she hung up without him knowing or something.

“What do you want?”

“Where is Hakyeon buried?”

She lets out a short huff of air, as if laughing. “What a jerk.”

“Mm?”

“You want to know where Hakyeon is buried? Why would you even care?”

“Because--”

“Don’t give me a reason, you ass. You took in the person who owns his heart and left Hakyeon behind. Why would I tell you where he’s buried? You didn’t do anything for him after his death.”

“I took care of his heart!”

“Oh, shut up Jung Taekwoon! That’s not his heart anymore, you should have known that from the beginning. I won’t tell you where he’s buried. You left my brother, you left us to mourn. Our family decided to put something on his grave to commemorate your love, but you didn’t even show up. I regret allowing that to happen. You’re a really big .”

“I didn’t leave him, let me just explain to you--”

“No.”

She hung up on that instant.

Taekwoon stuffs his phone in his pocket and bites his lip. How else would he find Hakyeon’s grave?

He thinks about another possible way to find it. It takes up five minutes of his time and he almost gives up on it until he sees a familiar face coming up to him.

Inside his head, he’s cursing at himself for not running ahead of time. He stares the person in the eye.

“Hongbin told me to check up on you,” Jaehwan says, “but it looks like you’re heading somewhere.”

Taekwoon nods.

“May I join you?”

“I don’t know where I’m going.”

“Hell, then why’d you dress up so nicely? You look like you were invited to one of those top-notch CEO meetings for Samsung.”

Taekwoon stares at him, not changing his facial expression once.

“Alright, sore-looking man,” he compliments with a smile. “I’ll help you figure out a place where to go. Where would you like to go?”

“Hakyeon’s grave,” he responds immediately.

Jaehwan’s smile fades away within a second. “Why?” His voice is filled with concern and seems like he wants to keep it a secret too.

“Because I know he’s dead. I...I listened to Hongbin’s heartbeat last night and I’ve-I’ve been a wreck since then.” He scratches his head and sighs heavily.

Jaehwan blinks, then nods very slowly. “I didn’t believe Hongbin when he told me.”

“He knows?” Taekwoon says with panic.

“He figured it out. He’s not that stupid, you know.”

“H-How did he--”

“Look, he’ll tell you. I’ll take you to the Cha’s grave, okay?”

Taekwoon nods slowly. “Thank you,” he whispers.

******

HERE RESTS CHA HAKYEON, LOVING SON, LOVING BROTHER, LOVING FRIEND

Taekwoon bites the inside of at the last part, lacing his fingers together in front of him.

AND LOVING LOVER. 90.06.30-14.08.02.

He feels like a complete jerk. If the last part was meant to resemble their love, then Taekwoon feels like a huge, complete jerk.

He had bought flowers at the entrance to leave at Hakyeon’s side. He left them at the front of his tombstone before reading it.

The grave has grown a fresh patch of green grass and seems to be doing better than the surrounding graves. That’s what Hakyeon was always like: making sure he was doing better. Taking care of himself. The sun was being a little hot, and the soil felt great under his feet, so that must have been why it was looking beautiful.

He crouches down and feels tears coming through.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry I didn’t do enough for you, before and after death. I’ve been such an since you left. I thought you were still alive, I thought that I was thinking about you all this time, but in reality I was just thinking of myself. I thought I had been taking care of you, but I was only trying to cope with a fantasy. These couple of months, while thinking I was falling for your heart, I fell in love with the person who renewed it. His name is Lee Hongbin, and he’s amazing. He’s got these sweet dimples and soft, elegant hands. He makes me happy through all this pain I’ve been going through. You’ll accept that, right? You’ll accept someone new for me, right? I can’t be mad at you even if you didn’t. I can’t stay mad at you for a second. I think you’d really like Hongbin too, you know? He’s got this mindset you’d enjoy. He’s not like you, but he is a bit.”

Tears fall down his cheek and land on his knee. He takes a deep breath and continues.

“I finally figured out what you were: dead. I’m sorry it took me so long. I was too scared, really, and I hope you’ll forgive me for it. There’s a fine line between forgiveness and holding a grudge, but you are one who’d jump over it so easily. I hope you’ll jump over it for me.”

He laughs a bit, wiping a tear away from his face. “I love you, you know? I love you Hakyeon. I will never stop loving you.”

Taekwoon lashes out in tears. He hugs his knees and cries as he did last night, with the only comfort being himself.

He feels footsteps coming towards him, and then arms around him. Thinking it’s Jaehwan, he pushes him away, but the arms go right back around him.

“Jaehwan, get off--”

“It’s me.”

Taekwoon’s eyes widen and he turns around to see Hongbin, clearly worried for the other’s well-being. “H-Hongbin, what are you--”

“Jaehwan called me and told me everything.”

He slowly shakes his head. “I-I’m sorry for everything.”

“It’s okay,” he shushes, hugging him as the other continues to cry. “It’s okay, just let it all out.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Jung Taekwoon, shut up.”

“I’m sorry for everything I’ve done--”

“Stop.” He hugs him tighter and kisses his cheek. “I hate seeing you cry.”

******

Rather than eating a meal for dinner, he drinks four lattes. Taekwoon doesn’t have the strength to chew on food.

Hongbin eats dino-nuggets on the other side of the island counter they eat at. Slowly eating, as always, as if he doesn’t have a care in the world.

But that’s not true. He looks genuinely worried for his boyfriend, who hasn’t spoken since they left the cemetery and is preparing for his fifth latte.

“What’s bothering you?” he asks before Taekwoon can get up to make his latte.

Taekwoon glares at him. He knows he’s worried and all, but more than anything, Taekwoon’s curious as to why he hasn’t left him yet. If he knew all along that he was only there because he had Hakyeon’s heart, then why not leave?

“You won’t tell me, will you?”

He continues to glare.

“Alright,” he says, placing his dino-nugget down on his plate. He straightens his back and crosses his arms. “Since I know something’s bothering you, I will start blabbering and hopefully, whatever has been bothering you will be answered as I speak.”

Glare. That’s all Taekwoon does.

“I’m sure it’s mainly about what happened today. Where was I this morning? I was at your favorite cafe. I was thinking you’d go there since you had a breakdown last night and it’s a second home to you, but I waited there for three hours and nothing. I called Jaehwan to check up on you and told him the story of how you found out my heart is not Hakyeon’s. Now, how did I know this? It’s quite obvious. Ever since the start, I knew I was here for the heart. I was more sure of it when you told me to keep you away from it. I knew you hadn’t cried or thought of him as dead because you don’t just tell someone to move in when they have your boyfriend’s heart. You can tell when someone’s mourning, and you were not mourning. You wouldn’t be open to newcomers, much less the person who has your boyfriend’s heart. Therefore, when you began crying, I wasn’t sure why until you began to hit my chest. That answered it, but I gave into asking you so you would feel comforted. I had Jaehwan check on you because I figured you wouldn’t want to see me. I didn’t think you’d be out and about, but when I got the phone call from Jaehwan saying you were at Hakyeon’s grave, I left him on the phone as I drove over there so he can tell me what you were going through. It was when I was entering the cemetery that you began to talk to his grave. A couple seconds after, you were weeping. Seeing you cry has now been marked as the worst thing to go through. Please don’t cry, hyung. I hate it when you cry. Someone as precious as you deserves so much more than tears coming out of your eyes.”

He’s still glaring.

Hongbin blinks at him and sighs. “There’s something still bothering you. I don’t know what it is. Tell me.”

It takes him three hours to tell him.

They’re watching that cartoon when he finds the ease and confidence to do so.

“Why are you still here?”

Hongbin turns his head as quickly as breaking a thin tree branch. “Excuse me?”

Taekwoon realizes what he said and fixes it. “Not as in…that way, as in...why haven’t you left me though you knew why you were initially here?”

Hongbin climbs over the couch he sat alone on and moves onto the one Taekwoon is in. He lands on his lap and laughs. “I haven’t left you because your stupid made me fall in love with you. Isn’t that the same reason why you haven’t kicked me out?”

Taekwoon gives a light, small smile and lazily kisses Hongbin, tired as hell but awake enough to spend the rest of the night up with the other. “I haven’t kicked you out because I don’t want you complaining to Jaehwan about me. He’s got enough of an opinion on me.”

Hongbin’s smile disappears in a second. “Which reminds me….” His voice trails off. “I’m going on a little trip for class.”

Taekwoon returns to glaring. If it’s Jaehwan that reminded him of something, he’s screwed.

“For a month.”

Still glaring.

“In Busan.”

Taekwoon pushes Hongbin off, causing the other one to laugh.

“Hey, you shouldn’t treat me like that!” He playfully laughs.

Taekwoon continues to push him off, this time with his feet, to the point where Hongbin completely falls off the couch. It makes Hongbin silent and serious quickly.

He’s pissed.

Why?

Because that month could’ve been so much time to get closer to Hongbin without the mask of Hakyeon on him. He wants to get used to the slow beat of his heart, thumping through his ear and falling asleep to it. He wants to remember its melody and make it something he can hum along to. He needs to get used to the new heart.

He needs Hongbin.

“...Hyung?” the other whispers.

Taekwoon walks to his room.

******

Regrettably, Taekwoon is helping Hongbin pack.

Ever since he told him, Taekwoon hasn’t been the best person to talk to. He scowls. Grimaces. Ungrateful, actually. He’s quite ungrateful though he was grateful a couple days back. Grateful that he was able to open up to his boyfriend and now have some valuable time with him, but no. He’s going on a trip for school to take pictures. Just for pictures.

“I’m going sightseeing too, hyung,” Hongbin would argue. “You’re just selfish.”

Hongbin’s gone to Busan before. He’s been sightseeing already. Hell, that’s where his best friend lives.

Nonetheless, he was definitely selfish. When in a relationship, you let the other do what they want even though you may not agree. You always do that.

Taekwoon used to do that under different circumstances, when his boyfriend didn’t have a different heart or something.

“What are we waiting for?” Taekwoon asks while waiting with Hongbin in the parking lot of the apartment complex.

“Jaehwan,” he replies easily.

The other’s eyes widen. Just the sound of his name makes him snatch Hongbin’s luggage away from him. “Why?”

Hongbin laughs, attempting to loosen Taekwoon’s grip on the luggage handle. “He’s taking me.”

Taekwoon throws the luggage to the other side of him. Hongbin looks at him, utterly surprised at the action. 

“What’s wro--”

“I could’ve taken you. Why does he have to take you?” He gets his car keys out from his pocket. “I’ll take you, Jaehwan’s annoying.”

Hongbin clutches Taekwoon’s wrist. “Hyung, he’s going back to Busan to stay with his wife’s parents. They’re staying there the same amount as I am with my school. We won’t be seeing each other. He’s just going to drop me off at my hotel and he’s going to go. The next time we’ll see each other is when he’s driving me back.”

He slides his hand down and intertwines his fingers with Taekwoon’s, making him look down at their hands and fear looking back up at Hongbin.

“Please try to accept him. He’s my best friend. I understand that you may not like him because of his suspicions, but I can’t simply stop being his friend because of that and nor can I simply stop loving you. Okay? He’s helped me through a lot and has tried to give me the best advice possible. Try to be a little nicer to each other and stop being jealous.”

Taekwoon glares at Hongbin, who laughs and goes to get his bags. The warmth leaves Taekwoon and he sees the light of a car come closer to him. In the driver’s seat, Jaehwan with raggedy, curly hair, and in the passenger’s seat, his wife, with braids resting on each shoulder.

“I’ll see you soon, okay?” Hongbin reassures him, giving him a light kiss on the cheek.

Taekwoon shakes his head and gives him a full, proper kiss on . Not enough to keep him going but just the right amount to make him wish he had it again.

Hongbin shyly pulls away, trying to ignore the bright lights and honking coming from that stupid car.

“Call me, okay?” Taekwoon reminds him. Hongbin gives a light smile and waves goodbye to him. Taekwoon watches him stuff his luggage in the back seat of the car, then enter the vehicle. Ken and his wife wave goodbye to him, too, in which Taekwoon just smiles back at them and turns to enter the facility.

Taekwoon hasn’t lived alone in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still kind of long


	3. time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which hongbin doesn't want to separate himself from the heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 9,089 words  
> (aka more than chap 2, less than chap 1! i was very bad at dividing it up oops)

******

Two weeks later, around midnight, Taekwoon calls Hongbin. He hasn’t been able to talk and can only send texts every now and then. Within three rings, Hongbin answers.

“Hyung?” he cheerfully says.

Taekwoon smiles. “How are you?” he asks.

“I miss you,” he whispers, the background obviously changing and becoming quieter. “Makes me regret I chose to go on this trip.”

Taekwoon laughs.

“I’ve taken a lot of photos,” he continues. “I never knew half of the things here actually exist. Lots of nice flowers. There’s a flower that reminds me of you, I’ll show it to you when I get home!”

Taekwoon smiles at the fact that he calls where Taekwoon lives “home”. It makes him miss his presence on his couch, where he lies now. The tangles in his hair and how they were so easy to break apart, or how fragile he feels under the palms of his hands. He wants to drive to Busan and stay with him. He hates this distance, and it’s not even that big of a deal.

“What’s the name of the flower?” he asks.

Silence. “I don’t know.”

Taekwoon breathes out from his nose and gives a small chuckle.

“But it’s pretty!” he swears. “And it’s got this soft pink on the edges and this dark red on the inside--it just reminds me of you!”

“A pink and red flower?”

“Yeah. You’re kindly shy but brightly...caring.”

Taekwoon doesn’t reply. He can say the same thing to Hongbin, but that’s not him really.

“Sorry I missed our two-month anniversary.”

Right, that happened. Hongbin texted him at six in the morning reading, “Happy 2 month!!” and told him to go to the cafe to celebrate. He said he’d be at one too, so it can be like a celebration.

A celebration Taekwoon would want.

“We spent it together, didn’t we?” Taekwoon asks.

“Yes, but I don’t remember what you ordered,” the other jokes.

“Latte. You?”

“Coffee.”

“Boring.”

Hongbin bursts into laughter. “Want me to order something better for our three-month then?”

“Are you really okay with us going to the cafe for our three-month?” Taekwoon asks excited.

“No,” Hongbin replies to his disappointment.

“You choose where we should go then.”

“Why me? Why not you?”

“Because I’ll go wherever you’ll go.”

“Then why aren’t you here with me?”

“Because you left with Jaehwan.”

Hongbin laughs loudly, and for a while. Taekwoon would’ve stayed with him if Jaehwan didn’t take him to Busan, or if Jaehwan wasn’t in Busan. The chance of running into him is always big for some reason with Taekwoon. He wouldn’t call it fate. Fate is the least of things that would describe the two.

“I’ll tell you where I want to go when I get back, okay? I need some time to think since you don’t like anything.”

‘I like stuff,” Taekwoon defends.

“Bye Taekwoon,” Hongbin coons.

“See you later.”

Their phone call ends like that.

******

With one last wipe on the island counter, Taekwoon finishes cleaning up the apartment. Hongbin comes back today, and though Taekwoon always keeps things tidy in the small apartment, he wanted to make the place shine.

Everyday he called the other on the phone, asking how he was and what he did that day. There was always something new with Hongbin. He can never get tired of him. He wouldn't stop talking about that flower, which secretly made Taekwoon the happiest person alive. Being related to a flower isn't too bad in Hongbin's eyes.

Taekwoon waits the rest of the day. He's expected to come around eleven at night, and it's three in the afternoon.

Taekwoon didn't sleep last night. The clock was being annoying and he was just too excited for today. The clock isn’t usually annoying, it’s just that it seemed louder last night. Maybe because Hongbin was the one who had turned it on? Maybe Taekwoon is insane? Taekwoon can’t answer that himself.

He turns on the television and it’s the same cartoon. The one without a name. If he stays up, he can figure it out and finally feel a little more at peace. Problem is: he’s way too sleep deprived.

His eyes close on the couch and he sleeps peacefully.

Until, of course, it gets interrupted. By a phone call.

From Jaehwan.

Taekwoon wakes up and looks at the time. Ten, the clock reads, so he ignores the call and goes back to sleep. It was probably just a call letting him know he's on the way. It’s not Jaehwan’s voice he wants to be hearing anyways.

But then his phone rings again. Taekwoon is already comfortable, so he ignores it once more.

By the time it's the ninth call, it is only 10:02 and Taekwoon is done with hearing it. He answers.

"Why the hell didn't you answer your phone?" Jaehwan yells into the phone before he can even say “Hello?”.

Before Taekwoon can reply, the insults come rambling in.

"Stupid son of a bitch! I knew, ever since the beginning, that you weren't deserving of Hongbin. I've called you nine times! Nine! What the are you up to at this time? Sleeping? Shouldn't you be awake, waiting for him?"

Taekwoon can hear mumbling from behind--most definitely his wife--and Jaehwan kindly protesting to whatever she's saying.

"Why did you keep calling me?" Taekwoon asks.

"Because you're so damn ungrateful to not answer after nine calls and you don’t think once that maybe it’s in regards to something extremely important! Maybe I shouldn’t even tell you the whole issue. I’d like to see you suffer because you didn’t answer a freaking phone call--"

The phone's taken from him. Jaehwan yells in the background at whoever took it. He curses loudly, and that’s when Taekwoon begins to worry. It can’t be about Hongbin, right?

"Jung Taekwoon," a woman's voice says this time. "While we were on our way back home, Hongbin said he was feeling a little tired, so we stopped at a gas station nearby to get him some soda. While we were in line, he began to have short breathes and within a couple seconds he collapsed. We rushed him to--"

"What?" Taekwoon breathes out. He can’t believe the words coming out of . Hongbin’s a healthy person--fit, eats all the right things, counts his calories, everything. How can someone like that simply collapse?

"Hongbin's in the hospital."

For a moment, everything becomes muted and the only thing Taekwoon can hear is the rushing of thoughts in his head. Is he dead? What happened? Is something wrong with him? Is he okay?

Is his heart okay?

"How's his condition?" he chokes on his words.

"They said severe," she replies, "but it didn't look that way..."

"Wh-Which hospital?" Taekwoon stutters.

"Um, uh, hold on let me get you the address."

After a few seconds, she gets him the address and Taekwoon becomes numb all over. He manages to end the call and get his car keys, getting support from the couches and trying to stabilize himself.

He's at the hospital Hakyeon died in. The hospital that's evil and filled with blood and screams. The hospital that makes you feel like you're living under oppression. The one hospital he’s been through too much in. Taekwoon’s heard Hakyeon die, seen Hakyeon being wheeled out of his room, was told of Hakyeon being a heart donor, met Hongbin, asked Hongbin to move in, which ultimately altered his entire life because of that hospital. He can’t be in that hospital. Nothing good comes out of that hospital. And yes, sure, Hongbin came out of that hospital, and all was good, but now that this has happened, it can’t be good at all. Not in that hospital. Not in the hospital Hongbin was glad he didn't die in.

******

Jaehwan is outside the hospital when Taekwoon arrives. He simply parks his car in front and gets out.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Jaehwan asks him before he can reach the door.

“I’m going to Hongbin,” he answers, to which Jaehwan clutches onto his arm and makes the other face him.

“He’s fine.” That simple statement is all he says.

Taekwoon blinks and tries to rip the other’s fingers off of him, but Jaehwan keeps his hold.

“Go back home.”

“Excuse me?”

“Go. Back. Home.”

“If you’re telling me to go back home because I didn’t answer your damn phone calls, that’s stupid. You maybe think that I’m the one who fucked up on this, but it’s you.”

“How did I up? Was bringing him to a hospital fucked up?”

“No, but bringing him to this”--Taekwoon points at the doors--“hospital--the hospital he was in for months with heart problems, the one where he listened to screams every night and saw blood on the walls, the one where he was glad he didn’t die in--is the most fucked up thing you could do to Hongbin.”

“If I took him to any other hospital, he’d be dead!”

“Dead?” Taekwoon laughs. “You just said he was fine. You know what your wife told me? It didn’t look severe. You know what this hospital told me? Hakyeon was dead, but his heart, you know, the thing that keeps you alive? That’s damn alive. I don’t believe a word this hospital says.”

Jaehwan pulls Taekwoon towards his car, ultimately pushing him into the driver’s seat and starting the car himself. “Go home,” he says. “I’m only telling you this to benefit Hongbin.”

"What kind of benefit--"

Jaehwan slams the car door shut and stays, staring at Taekwoon through the dirty window.

Taekwoon stares right back at him. He's tired, angry, and he looks just about ready to push the car back to his apartment himself. His hair's a ruffled mess. His clothes look unorganized, and there's something that makes Taekwoon want to leave. He may want to see his boyfriend, but not Jaehwan. Not like this.

He drives.

******

The door creaks open. Shoes are taken off and the door is shut before light footsteps walk through the apartment. A bag is thrown on the floor. A pair of wheels stop moving. A quiet sigh resonates like an echo in a cave. Another door opens and closes. The sound is louder. The bed is weighed down. Legs crawl under the blankets and take up the empty space. A soft is heard.

Hongbin's home.

******

Hongbin asks a strange question later on that week. It makes Taekwoon think for a while.

"In the future?" he asks, as if uncertain if there will ever be one.

"Mhm," Hongbin replies. "What do you want to do in the future?"

"What do you want to do?" It seems like a good question to avoid, so he asks it back.

"Easy. I want to travel the world and take pictures of it all."

Taekwoon smiles at him as the other opens to get more into detail.

"I want to see the sun go up on the other side of the world, see cherry blossoms fill the streets, try new foods that are yet to be tasted. Climb mountains, feel rivers, step in the different oceans. I want to do that. All with the help of a camera."

"I'll do whatever you want to do."

"Hey, that's not original!" Hongbin complains.

"Want me to meet someone else in the future?"

"You can't!" he whines. He moves closer to Taekwoon and kisses him. "I won't forgive you."

"When do you want to travel?"

"Next year. We should go for Christmas!"

Next year is an even number. December is the twelfth month. The week of Christmas Eve is on the 18th. Christmas Eve is the 24th.

"Even numbers are weird."

Hongbin raises an eyebrow. "You've got a thing against even numbers?"

"No, they're just...weird."

"Okay then...September this year? We can start saving now!"

"What makes you think that we'll earn enough money to travel the world by this year? Let's wait two years."

"But hyung!"

Taekwoon grabs one of Hongbin's cheeks and lightly pulls. "Don't complain," he whispers with a smile.

Hongbin his finger, causing Taekwoon to move as quickly as possible.

"Hey!" Taekwoon yells and laughs at the same time.

"Get a stable job and we can go this year," Hongbin replies.

Taekwoon continues laughing. "That's like me telling you to quit school, okay?"

******

Their month anniversary plans have been delayed once, and Taekwoon won't let it happen once more. He's got everything ready: a morning at the cafe, a walk in the park, lunch at home, dinner at the edge of the beach--it's all ready.

For once, he's excited. He's excited for something. He hasn't been excited for months.

Taekwoon wants to spill out his love for Hongbin tonight. He wants to tell him how he's the breeze on a hot day, the rhythm of his favorite song. He's every breath he takes.

It's not surprising to not find him lying next to him in bed. He's either cleaning or making breakfast.

Today he's making breakfast.

He hopes he didn't work too hard. It's only been a week since Hongbin has left the hospital and he's still scared out of his mind. He doesn't even know what's wrong. All Bin told him was that he just couldn't take the heat up in Busan, but he doubts that's the case.

To top it off, Jaehwan said it was okay and to just go home.

That means it's not okay. He's either trying to pull something off or protect one of us.

What can breakfast be? Pancakes? It can't be cereal. If it's cereal, Taekwoon's going to put Hongbin's face in it.

He gets out of bed, fixes his hair a bit, and goes out into the living room of their small apartment. At the stove is Hongbin, still in his pajamas, cooking up something that smells like meat. Taekwoon can't pin it down since he just woke up and is way too excited for the day.

"Good morning," Taekwoon says, getting slowly closer to the kitchen.

Hongbin turns around. He has weak eyes and looks limp, but he forces a smile. The most forced smile Taekwoon's ever seen--and this man does not fake his smiles.

"What's wrong?"

The other nods, but the smile is quickly wiped off his face and he begins to have short breaths.

Taekwoon's eyes widen. He makes his way to the kitchen as quickly as possible. "Hongbin-ah."

“I’m fine,” he says quickly.

“Bin.”

He collapses before Taekwoon can get to him.

******

Hongbin’s room number is an even number. Of course it is.

He sits outside the room. After he brought him to the hospital, they brought him into the ER and checked up on him. Taekwoon hasn’t heard any updates for thirteen hours. He’s tired already, but he’s staying up because he’s scared they’ll do something wrong to him. The closest hospital was, of course, the one he has no trust in at all. Hongbin will probably be mad when he wakes up, but that’s okay.

A doctor comes out of the room and asks Taekwoon if he’s a close relative. He takes a few seconds to think, but eventually nods because he doesn’t want them to ask further questions.

“As of now, he is fine,” the doctor begins. “He’s awake and can go back home, but you’ll have to take care of him for a while. We’ll have to prescribe him some meds and give you a list of precautions--”

“Why?” Taekwoon asks.

The doctor takes a deep breath in. “He has heart failure, but we don’t know what’s causing it. It may deal with the fact that he’s had it for a long time, but it shouldn’t mean anything since he has an implanted heart now. We are still trying to find out the prob--”

Taekwoon walks around the doctor and into Hongbin’s room. He isn’t convinced. He isn’t convinced that they can’t find out why he has heart failure. Hell, they’ve had him for thirteen hours and all they can tell him is something as obvious as heart failure?

He slams the door behind him, jolting Hongbin up in his bed. Both immediately regret their actions afterwards.

“Sorry,” Taekwoon says, rushing to his side to help him lie down in bed comfortably.

“What did the doctors tell you?” Hongbin asks. “I want to know if they told you the same thing they told me.”

“You can go home.”

“That’s true.”

“You have heart failure.”

“Got that.”

“They don’t know why.”

“I knew they were missing something.”

“They didn’t tell you they don’t know the reason why?” Taekwoon gets mad.

“Calm down, I know where I am and I know how I’m expected to be treated. A patient at a cheap hospital. I used to live here.”

“Look, let’s leave. I’m going to take you to another hospital.”

“What?”

Taekwoon flashes a smile. Despite Hongbin being in an ugly hospital gown showered with grey polka-dots in a plain colored room, the fact that he’s awake after thirteen hours makes him happy. He wants to see him happy for a long time, and that’s why he wants to find out why he’s got heart failure.

“We’re going to leave, I’m going to take you to a good hospital, and we’re going to find out why you have heart failure. Do you understand?”

“I’m tired.”

“Too bad.”

******

Hongbin’s room numbers are always even numbered. Always. Not even Taekwoon’s apartment number is an even number, but wherever Hongbin is, it is suddenly even.

“My house number used to be 428-16,” Hongbin blurts, noticing Taekwoon stare at the number above the door.

He turns his head to him. “Are you serious?”

Hongbin nods.

“You’re full of even numbers,” Taekwoon says.

“When’s my birthday?”

“September 29, 1993.”

“My entire birthday is an odd number.”

“Maybe that’s why I like you.”

Hongbin flashes his famous eye smile. It stands out from the mint-painted walls, making him glow ever so nicely.

A good hospital, one that makes Hongbin shine.

“Taek?” Hongbin’s voice raises a little.

“Yes?”

“What do you think the reason will be? Do you think it’s just my heart problems spreading to my new heart? Maybe something new is wrong with me?”

Taekwoon sits next to him on the patient’s bed. One arm goes around the other’s waist while his free hand plays with his long fingers. “I think,” he begins, “it has nothing to do with you. But whatever the case is, we will deal with it together.”

The door opens right at that moment and Taekwoon’s hand and arm slip away from Hongbin. He stands up, eager to hear the results of the check up done on him earlier.

The doctor takes a deep breath. “The results….it’s a lot to swallow.”

Hongbin moves Taekwoon’s right hand behind his back and holds onto it tightly.

“The previous hospital you went to do a great heart implant on you, Hongbin, but…”

Taekwoon can feel the other shaking. His grip on his hand becomes tighter, to the point where Taekwoon wants him to let go.

“The heart they put in you wasn’t one that worked too well.”

******

Once they are back home, Taekwoon locks himself in his bedroom. He sits on the edge of the bed and repeats everything he just heard in his head.

Did you know the heart donor, per chance?

Yes.

What was the cause of death?

He had an intracranial aneurysm.

Hm…that affects the brain more than it does to the heart. Did they tell you how he died?

All they said was intracranial aneurysm. We figured it was just an overflow of blood in the brain.

There must have been something more in order for the heart to be like this. The donor may have had more problems than just with his brain, but we are not able to tell. Your heart is failing again, Mr. Lee, as you were told, but it’s not why you think. It has nothing to do with your genetics. The heart that they put in you should have never been used as an implant. The condition it was in was not right. How long have you had this pain, Mr. Lee?

It’s been on and off for about a month.

How long have you had this heart?

A little over six months.

I’m not sure why they would have put this heart in you if it wasn’t getting enough blood to it in its original donor.

Is there anything you can do?

We’ll try to figure something out.

And what the doctor told him before they left.

I don’t think we can find a match for him. His original heart already put his body in a bad condition, and his new one made it worst. Spend as much time with him as you can.

Hakyeon’s death was more painful than planned. Not only did his head flood with blood, but his heart attacked him in some sort of way. His heart could not have been able to keep beating in his body, because it can’t even keep up in Hongbin’s body. For so long, he thought that Hakyeon could have lived, that they could even be married at this point, if only they had let that heart regain its beating back in him.

But he was all wrong. Hakyeon’s heart was not one that could be revived.

Hakyeon was meant to die.

Taekwoon had loved the heart for so long. He even learned to accept that it wasn’t Hakyeon’s heart anymore, but Hongbin’s. But is that true? What if Hongbin’s heartbeat is just Hakyeon’s failing one?

Hongbin’s been knocking on the door for a couple of minutes.

“Taekwoon, open the door,” he repeatedly asks.

He opens the door reluctantly. Hongbin stares at him, making severe eye contact that makes Taekwoon shudder.

“Talk to me,” Hongbin says.

Taekwoon walks back to his bed and Hongbin closes the door behind him. Placing himself next to him, he continues to looks at him with his brown eyes.

Taekwoon says nothing.

“Why won’t you talk to me?”

Taekwoon glares at him from the corner of his eyes.

Hongbin pressed his lips together and sighs. “So you want me to say it for you?”

“How would you know what I’m thinking?” Taekwoon whispers.

“Try me, Taekwoon. This is still my heart. Yes, it was Hakyeon’s, and yes, it didn’t even work in him, but who says we can’t fix it in me? It’s lasted for this long, why can’t it last for the rest of our lives? Our hearts are the same, but so different.”

Hongbin holds Taekwoon’s hand and puts it directly above his heart.

“This beat that you know so well...it’s mine, hyung. Please don’t think of it as Hakyeon’s.”

Taekwoon moves his head to where his hand is and places his ear right above it. “That’s not what I was thinking, Hongbin.”

******

Taekwoon doesn’t even carefully place the flowers. He throws them near the gravestone, causing one rose to fall out of the bouquet and several rose petals to be on the ground. He bites his lips, clenching his fists and looking up at the sky.

“I loved you Hakyeon,” he begins, starting off softly. “I really did, and when the person you love dies, you can’t really stop loving them. But here I am, to talk to your dead body about that. How many lies did you keep from me? Did you even know that your heart was ? Could the hospital really up that bad?” His voice raises. “You’re the one who signed the paper. I can’t believe I was dumb enough to just think your brain killed you. You die when your heart stops, and me, thinking you died because your brain was a wasteland of blood, thought your heart was uneffected. Of course it wasn’t. And now that heart of yours is in the love of my life. Ironic, isn’t it? The heart of the love of my life is now in the new love of my life. And now he’s dying because you signed a ing piece of paper! One swift move of your wrist, with a pen in your fingers, and my boyfriend is facing death. Hongbin keeps saying the heart is his, that it’s his now, and it is. The heart beat is different, but it’s still your heart. Everything but the problems it had left.

“I remember your last breath, Hakyeon. I remember hearing that ugly high C ring through your hospital room, out the door, and into my ears. It was like the ground crumbled under me. Then I found out you signed the paper, and I let Hongbin live with me because I was so obsessed with your heart. It was the last thing I thought I could keep of yours. I later found out it wasn’t even yours. That realization doesn’t even matter anymore because the heartbeat can change, the size can change, the home of it can change, but it still originated in you. Now Hongbin is dying.”

Taekwoon finds tears falling down his face. He furiously shakes his head. “Hongbin is dying and he’s trying to make me believe he isn’t because he doesn’t want me to go through the same thing I did with you. He doesn’t want me to blame you. There is no one else to blame but you. Your heart used to have such a great melody until that high C. Hongbin’s heartbeat is even more beautiful. It has a melody, and you can still hear all the instrumentals and harmonizing in the background, but now, because of you, it’s going to die with a high C. Congratulations, Hakyeon. You’re a dead murderer.”

******

Two weeks later, Taekwoon enters the apartment with the groceries and feels something wrong. No, not feels.

Smells wrong.

“Hongbin?” he calls out. “Hongbin, where are you?”

He leaves the groceries on their island counter and looks around the living room. He opens his bedroom door but finds nothing. He proceeds down the hallway, looking into Hongbin’s room, but still nothing.

The smell is stronger in the hallway. He follows it to the bathroom. He knocks first. “Hongbin, are you in here?”

Knocks again.

“Bin-ah?”

He twists the doorknob and finds it locked.

“Hongbin! Hongbin, open the door!”

Taekwoon panics and runs to the kitchen, finding something, anything to open the door. He reaches into the junk drawer and finds a wrench.

Not knowing what to do with it, he simply slams the knob with it and tries twisting it. No luck. “Hongbin,” he mutters through his teeth.

He drops the wrench and digs through his pockets. Maybe a paperclip or some metal object.

He takes out his credit card. He’s seen it been done in movies, so it should work in real life. He puts the card in between the door and the frame, finding the bolt of the door and angling it downward. He moves the card around and feels it get right in between. He twists the doorknob and it slightly opens.

Taekwoon drops the credit card and opens the door fully, the smell now stronger. He finds nothing in front of him, so he looks towards the end of the bathroom. His eyes widen and his hand reaches for his phone.

Hongbin lays there unconscious with more than a pack of used cigarettes on the floor around him, a lighter in his left hand, and an unlit cigarette between his fingers.

******

A doctor comes out of Hongbin’s room, which just so happens to be 628, and Taekwoon stands up. “Any news?” he asks.

“Uh...I think you should sit down for this,” the doctor warns.

The ambulance took Hongbin to the closest hospital, which just so happens to be the crap one. Taekwoon still doesn’t have his full trust in them, but all he can do at this point is believe them.

Taekwoon takes his seat back on the bench, the doctor grabbing a nearby chair and placing it right in front of him. “Hongbin’s heart,” he begins, “is failing a lot more rapidly than we thought it would. Do you know about the circulatory system, Mr. Jung?”

Taekwoon shakes his head.

“Well, the circulatory system is what gets the blood to all parts of your body. Your brain, your arms, your feet--all of it. In order for it to get everywhere, it goes to the heart, which pumps the blood and helps it get around. Hongbin’s blood is not getting to the heart, therefore blood is not getting to the rest of his body, but we believe that the blood is still being made. All three of those factors are life threatening.”

Taekwoon nods his head. “Is he asleep?”

“Yes he is, but you are allowed to stay in the room.”

“Thank you doctor.”

Hongbin wakes up three hours later. When he opens his eyes and sees Taekwoon, he smiles, but he notices Taekwoon is only glaring at him.

“Good morning.”

“Why were you smoking the cigarettes?” Taekwoon asks in the most serious voice possible.

“I told you this when I moved in, I don’t--”

“Second-hand smoking is just as bad.”

Hongbin stays silent.

“Are you going to answer me?” Taekwoon yells, standing up from the sofa inside the room. “Are you going to give me an answer as to why you want to make your lungs worse than they probably already are because of those cigarettes you’ve been smelling? It’s not only making your lungs suffer, Hongbin. Your heart is weak and you decide to light four packs of--”

“I lit three packs.”

“Don’t lie to me, Hongbin. I counted each cigarette and how much are in a pack. You had seventy-nine cigarettes on the floor, and with the one in your hand, it would be eighty. Why? Why did you risk your health?” Didn’t you think about me?

“I wasn’t feeling good, Taek. I hadn’t smelled a cigarette since the first time you caught me and beat me up for it. It was fine, because since that moment, I stopped feeling like shit. You came into my life and I didn’t need to smell the smoke. But yesterday, I just felt...shitty. Not because of us or you, but because of me.”

“What was it about you that made you feel ty?” Taekwoon asks softly, walking up to his hospital bed. Hongbin scoots over a bit and pats the space next to him. Taekwoon lies down and holds his hand, rubbing little circles on the top.

“I’m still trying to figure out.”

******

It’s 4 A.M. when Taekwoon hears something in his ears. He keeps his eyes closed, but wakes his mind up to hear what’s going on.

“I felt shitty because I know I’m dying,” he hears Hongbin whisper, “and I know you know I’m dying. I don’t want to die, not because I’m afraid, but because I don’t want you to go through it again. The best person in the world doesn’t deserve to have the love of their life die twice. It’s unfair, and I keep beating myself up and crying myself to sleep because I’m letting you down. If I was strong enough, I’d pay everything I’ve saved up to get another heart transplant just to be with you. I don’t want us to end like this. I want to grow old with you, I want to see the world with you, I want to marry you, Taekwoon. I want a life with you and a house to live in with you. I want you to complain about even numbers for the rest of my life, I want to hear you sing in the car. I want the best for you, and starting this relationship, I was so, so happy that I was able to give you the best. Now I’m here on this hospital bed with a failing heart. My heart, Taekwoon. It’s my heart. Not Cha Hakyeon’s. The reasons I have this heart failure isn’t only because his heart wasn’t in the best condition. I was born with a body that wasn’t in the best condition. I’ve had heart problems since I was a kid. Putting a new heart in me only removed that temporarily. I can be an and think that this relationship we have was a mistake because of my health problems and your obsession with a heart that wasn’t his anymore, but it wasn’t a mistake. It was the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. I am so happy that I can call you mine and you can call me that back. I wouldn’t trade this for the world. I love you Taekwoon. I don’t want to leave you this way--in a way that’s too familiar to you already. I’m so, so sorry, Taek.”

Taekwoon hears him sniffle. He kisses the other’s forehead lightly and continues to leave little butterfly kisses all the way till he reaches . “It’s okay,” Taekwoon says against Hongbin’s lips. “You’re okay, I’m okay, we’re okay.”

Hongbin kisses him, putting his hands on Taekwoon’s shoulders and pulling him closer.

******

Familiar. Something sounds familiar.

Taekwoon’s eyes open then burn because of the lights. The sound echoes, and he tries to figure out what it is. It’s loud--really loud, as if it’s right next to him. He looks at Hongbin, sound asleep, then look at the machine to his side and sees a straight line on the screen.

It’s a loud, high C.

He gets out of bed just as the doctors come in. The only thing he can even think of and say is Hongbin. The doctors are saying numbers and he hears a loud buzz. Hongbin’s body lifts every time the buzz rings and all Taekwoon can do is watch.

A nurse begins to push him out of the room. He begins to shake his head.

“Sir, you need to get out--”

“No,” Taekwoon whispers. “No, you have to bring him back. He needs me here you can’t kick me out--”

“Sir, we need as much space as possible--”

“I don’t care!” he screams. “I don’t--”

Just as he’s through the doorway, the high C goes away and a slow beeping sound begins to echo. Taekwoon releases a sigh of relief and pushes the doctors away to get to Hongbin. He holds his hand and begins to cry. His breathing is normal and his eyes are closed.

The doctors walk out and a nurse fixes up a couple things.

“I’ve seen you before,” she says. “Not here, but somewhere else.”

Taekwoon looks at her.

“With him. I’ve seen you with him.”

He recognizes her too and makes a list of places he goes to. “The cafe…?”

“Yep. I used to work there till I got hired here. Taekwoon, right?”

He nods.

“Good to see you again.” She finishes up what she’s doing and faces Hongbin. “He’s strong, okay?”

Taekwoon smiles at her, wiping his tears.

******

A week later, they’re both back at home, finally being able to celebrate their four month anniversary. Hongbin blows out the candle on top of the cupcake they’re eating.

Hongbin has been doing a lot better. Though he still looks a little tired, he does say he feels a lot better. His smile is still bright. He’s still the same as ever.

“I’m glad you’re back,” Taekwoon says.

Hongbin smiles. “Is that so?” He takes some frosting on the cupcake onto his finger. He reaches for Taekwoon’s nose but the other grabs his wrist just in time. Hongbin frowns, then bends his finger and manages to get the tip of his nose. Taekwoon looks at the frosting, then back at his boyfriend, who is containing his laughter. With control of his wrist, he turns it around and puts the rest of the frosting on his nose.

Hongbin begins to laugh and Taekwoon smiles.

“Do you remember what I said to you that one night, Taek?” he asks.

“Yes.”

“How about we travel the world this year?”

Taekwoon’s eyes widen. “I-I don’t have enough money.”

“We don’t have to go far. We can go to China or Japan. They’re the closest things to us. Plus, you’re not the only one who earns money.”

“You’re a college student.”

“Yeah, we have vacation too. We can stay there for, let’s say, a week. Let’s start our journey around the world in Japan.”

Taekwoon nods, cutting their cupcake in half with a plastic fork. “I think that sounds good, but let’s do it later in the year.”

Hongbin only smiles.

“Hongbin?”

“Yes?”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Nope. No he’s not. He’s not excited or anything, he isn’t the person he is. He should be happier than this.

“I got you something, Hongbin. I’ll be right back.”

He goes to his room and opens up a drawer. He stares at it. He bought it in the moment, thinking about that night Hongbin spilled everything out. He thought it was the best ring in the shop and it was just right for Hongbin. If you could put Hongbin into a ring, this would be the ring. A cushion cut ring. The seller told him that it was a symbol of timeless love, but Taekwoon wasn’t going to fall for that bull. He chose the ring because the design just reminded him of Hongbin. The layers of diamond reminded him of his several personalities. His happiness, his kindness, and his tad bit of shyness. The brightness of it was the biggest factor. Hongbin is always the brightest.

I want to marry you.

He takes out the ring box, puts it in his pocket, and walks out of the room. He grins thinking about their future as husbands.

“Hongbin, I--”

Hongbin is holding his head in his hands when he first enters, but lifts his head when he hears Taekwoon. “Y-Yes?” He smiles through short breaths.

Taekwoon walks quickly towards him. “Hongbin, are you okay?”

“I-I…”

Taekwoon runs towards the house phone and immediately dials the emergency number.

“What’s your emergency?” the operator says.

“He can’t breathe well, my boyfriend can’t--”

Thud.

******

Blurred. Vision is blurred, but Taekwoon knows he’s following behind the bed Hongbin is being rolled into the emergency room with. The nurses are yelling over all the noise and all Taekwoon wants to hear is Hongbin’s heart beat. He gets to the doors and they hold him back. They always hold him back.

A couple hours later, Taekwoon sits outside Hongbin’s room. 390. Coincidence. A doctor steps outside and says, “Mr. Jung, we have some news.”

Taekwoon stands up and nods.

“It’s really nothing new. Blood is taking too long to get to the rest of his body and his heart is failing him faster than it was a week ago.”

“Is there anyway to fix it?”

“We are still trying to find a way.”

“Can I go in?”

“Yes, but he’s asleep right now, and you are not allowed to stay the night in his room.”

Taekwoon nods and enters the room, the same nurse who used to work at the cafe finishing up with Hongbin.

“Don’t try to wake him up or anything, okay Taekwoon?” she says. “It’s almost one in the morning. Don’t try and stay here too long. Make sure you get some rest too.”

She dims the lights and walks out of the room.

Taekwoon drags a chair next to Hongbin’s bedside. He stays on his left. He holds his hand and begins to speak. “Japan sounds like a great start, you know? I think I’d prefer it over China. I studied a bit of Japanese in high school, and since you wanna go there, I think I’ll get back into it for you. Does that sound good to you?” Tears begin to swell his eyes. “I can’t wait to see the look on your face when you see something fascinating and to just lift your camera to your eyes and take a picture. From there we can go to China. I’ll make enough money for the two of us. I’ll work more jobs, I’ll do whatever I need to do for you to see the world, okay?”

He takes out the engagement ring from the box and holds it in his hand.

“Would you say yes, Hongbin? Do you love me enough to marry me?” A tear falls down onto his arm. “I love you enough to give my heart, so you can stop suffering like this. I know it hurts you, Bin. The pain of you not having enough blood to get to the rest of your body, I know it’s hurting you. But look at you. You can endure anything, but if it were up to me, I’d make sure you didn’t have to endure anymore. That’s how much I love you. Would you marry me, Hongbin? Would you say yes when you wake up tomorrow?”

A little tap. Taekwoon feels a little tap on the top of his hand, the one that is holding Hongbin’s. He looks up at his boyfriend and begins to sob.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Taekwoon whispers.

Hongbin gives a little nod and taps his ring finger.

Taekwoon slips the ring into his finger and smothers his hand with kisses. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

******

A single sound is audible from outside a patient’s room. What note could it be? An A? Maybe even a B flat?

Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do. Taekwoon sings it in his head, trying to match the tune. He finds it to be a high C, which is fairly close to A and B flat. He’s proud of himself for being close.

Doctors come rushing through the hall Taekwoon sits in. How do the doctor’s know which room there’s a dead person in? Whenever there are sounds from the rooms across each other, they sound equally distant. There’s the room across from him, and there’s the room with the person whose heart is failing him.

In other words, the room with the stranger and the room with Taekwoon’s boyfriend.

Are they both dying?

As he sees the doctors rush in, he hopes that they rush into the room across from him--the room with the stranger--instead of the one he usually waits outside of. Much to his surprise, the doctor’s run into the door he waits outside of.

Lee Hongbin’s room.

He doesn’t think much of it until he realizes that the plain high C is familiar--too familiar.

Hongbin is dying again.

Taekwoon runs up to the door and finds it unlocked. Rather than opening it, he puts his ear against the door and tries to listen.

Clear.

Buzz.

Again.

Three, two, one.

Clear.

Buzz.

High C stops.

No beeping sounds.

Give it a couple more seconds.

Nothing.

Taekwoon barges through the hospital door to find them covering up Hongbin’s body.

Time slows in that moment, right before the cover reaches his eyes.

It’s happening again. Another love of Taekwoon’s life is dead. His lover, his fiancé, his everything. All gone in a blink of an eye, in a beat of the longest high C. Taekwoon feels the ground below him crumble again, he feels arrows piercing his heart and being pulled out right after. There’s an anger swelling inside of him, wanting to blame these doctors, this hospital, Cha Hakyeon and his heart.

He yells and runs towards Hongbin’s body, a waterfall gliding down his cheeks. “Don’t cover his eyes!”

Doctors immediately grab his shoulders and hold him back. “Do not cover his eyes!”

The nurse, the one who used to work at the cafe, holds the cover, looking at Taekwoon with pain.

“He wants to see the world!” Taekwoon yells. “He-He can’t go and see the world if you cover his eyes!”

The doctors’ strength beats Taekwoon’s and they slowly begin to drag him out of the room as the cover goes over the dead man’s eyes, but Taekwoon’s love for Hongbin is stronger than that. He rips himself out of their hold and runs to Hongbin’s side, sliding the cover down and holding Hongbin’s still face in his hands. His eyes are closed and he wants to open them so bad, to see the beautiful brown light him up. He kisses him on the lips. “Don’t you dare leave me. I love you. We have to go to Japan, remember?” he says through tears. “You-you have to go take pictures. We have to grow old together. We have to get married, Hongbin!”

He looks up at the nurse, who is looking back down at him with such sadness. “Take my heart. Give him my heart.”

The doctors grab Taekwoon again and drag him out. He watches the nurse cover his eyes again.

“I told you to not cover his eyes! Uncover them! Take my heart instead, please, just let him have my heart! I don’t need it, please!”

******

_The day of the funeral, Taekwoon met his family. His father, his mother, his sister, and his grandma. His father told him that Hongbin talked about him a lot, said his son called him his best friend. He began to ask him questions, like if Hongbin had a girlfriend and how he was doing in school, since Hongbin didn’t talk to him too often. Taekwoon smiled and said he didn’t have a girlfriend. He also had mentioned that his studies were going very well, that he was planning on going to Japan to take some pictures._

_His mother asked him how Jaehwan was doing, and if he was still his best friend. Jaehwan had come up at that moment and hugged his mother, rubbing her back at the same time. He laughed and told Hongbin’s mother, “I’m still his best friend, but I wasn’t as high up as I used to be. Taekwoon took my spot quite quickly.”_

_“How did you meet our Hongbin?” she asked._

_Taekwoon had stuttered weird sounds. He didn’t even know how to answer the question._

_“Taekwoon here used to work at a cafe Hongbin went to everyday. They became best friends since then.”_

_Taekwoon nodded._

_“He became a fan of his latte, Hongbin told me it is the best.” Jaehwan smiled at Taekwoon._

_His grandma asked him why they buried Hongbin here, at this cemetery, rather than the one closer to home. Taekwoon told her that he wanted to be buried here because he thought the placement was beautiful._

_Taekwoon’s biggest lie yet._

_Hongbin never chose a place he wanted to be buried, so Taekwoon chose it for him. Right next to Cha Hakyeon, the person who gave him life and death. The reason why he did so was obvious--he loved them both, and still does. Both brought such pain and happiness to his life. They never knew each other, but they were connected. The strongest connection between two strangers. The two different heart beats, all contained in one._

_His grandma couldn’t help but agree, though she wished he was closer._

_Hours later, they put the casket in the ground. Everyone but Taekwoon cried. Unlike Hakyeon’s case, Taekwoon already realized Hongbin was dead. Nothing physical is left of him. He heard him die anyways. He kissed him before he died, became his fiancé before he died, held his hand before he died. After he died, he kissed him, he was still his fiancé, and rather than holding his hands, he held his face, his beautiful soft face._

_When the family was leaving, Hongbin’s sister had come up to him and asked him a question he was not expecting._

_“Who was he engaged too?”_

_Taekwoon began to stutter again. He couldn’t even say that it was his girlfriend, he already told his mother he didn’t have one._

_“Don’t panic, Taekwoon.” She had tears in her eyes--she even cried like her brother-- and began to smile. “My parents don’t know, but I know what he was. I’ve known ever since he first came out. Just tell me who, so I can give them my blessing, since they’ll never have my parents.”_

_That was when Taekwoon began to cry. He wasn’t sobbing, just a couple streams down his face and trouble catching his breath. His sister then realized and gave the tightest hug to him, one that felt like Hongbin’s, but could never be his._

_“I don’t know you,” she whispered in his ear, “but he’s told me about you. He told me that he had your boyfriend’s heart and that you were so obsessed with it, you got scared when Hongbin was out of your sight. That was the last I heard from him about you, but I know you got over that. You even proposed to him. Thank you for seeing Hongbin as more than just a holder for his heart.”_

_She pulled away from him and held his shoulders. “You have all the blessings in the world, Taekwoon.”_

******

He visited the grave a week after and found someone standing right in front. He walked up to the grave and stood right next to the person, who was a man. He had a sleek figure, dressed in all black.

He began to walk away, but Taekwoon called to him.

“Kim Wonshik.”

He could feel him stop walking away.

“I’d like to know what you’re doing here.”

“I…” he started off. “I’m visiting him.”

“I doubt he’d want you here.”

“I know I fucked up but--”

“If, before Hongbin died this time, the doctors remembered that your heart was a match for him, would you give it to him?”

A long silence. Longer than the high C that haunted Taekwoon in his sleep.

“No.”

Taekwoon nodded and turned around to face him. Wonshik had silver hair, not as long as it was before, but almost the same length. His jaw was more defined and his arms seemed to have more muscle.

“Then don’t ever come back here again.”

******

_“Have you lied to me before?” Hongbin’s voice drags._

_Taekwoon tries to think of times he has lied. “Once,” he replies._

_“What was it?”_

_“I don’t want to tell you. I don’t like letting people know.”_

_Hongbin turns around in his arms to face him. “Do you think you can tell me some time in the future?”_

_Taekwoon bites his lip. “Maybe.”_

_Taekwoon sits in his room. He stares at the three clocks in his room._

_On the left wall, three evenly spaced out clocks are hung. There’s nothing else on that wall except those clocks._

_Taekwoon walks into the doorway and leans on the side, his shoulder piercing into the jutting wood._

_“Why aren’t they moving?” he asks._

_They aren’t moving because they’re a story._

_Taekwoon stopped the first clock when the minute and hour hand were both on the number six, stopped the second clock when the hour hand was on the number eight and the minute hand three minutes before one, and never the third clock, so the hour and minute hand are both at twelve. That was always up for decoration._

_The first clock was stopped at 6:30 when Taekwoon realized how deep in love he and Hakyeon were, and since he found some weird interest in clocks, he stopped the first on those numbers to represent Hakyeon’s birthday. He’d never forget it this way, in case he turned out to be a terrible boyfriend (in which Hakyeon protested he wasn’t)._

_At first, the second clock was actually used as a clock to tell time rather than birthdays or decoration. That all changed when Hakyeon died. Once Hakyeon died, he had no other choice but to stop it on 8:02, the day of his death._

_06.30.90. 08.02.14. Taekwoon thinks even numbers are weird, but Hakyeon is an exception. Taekwoon loves Hakyeon._

_Taekwoon considers it his memorial for Cha Hakyeon. It’s his only picture of him that doesn’t show his face._

_“It’s decoration,” Taekwoon misleads. It’s pathetic, but it should be enough to stop future questions on clocks and the meaning of 6:30 and 8:02._

_Hongbin studies them closer. He strides by them slowly and looks wistfully at the last clock. He pivots his head to look at Taekwoon. He points at the clock. “Can I turn it on?”_

_Taekwoon glares at him and walks out of his room._

_From outside, he can hear the power button sliding to the right and the adjustment of the clock. He knew he would turn it on._

Lee Hongbin was born on September 29, 1993. 09.29.93. Odd numbers, the ones Taekwoon likes. Problem was he was full of even numbers. His house number, even, his hospital rooms, even. He can’t even remember a time when his order number wasn’t even.

The last clock ticks, and the big hand moves to the next minute--eleven.

Lee Hongbin died March 11, 2015. He was the one to turn on the last clock, the one he wanted to tell time, the one he wanted to tick. Four months of dating, seven months of knowing each other. Their time together had gone by in a flash. He wasn’t even expecting him to have this big of an affect on him. He just wanted to take care of Hakyeon’s heart, and realizing that the heart wasn’t what tore him apart but rather pieced him together so eloquently changed him. All the kisses shared, the tears drowned in, the realizations of it all.

Even numbers are Hakyeon. Odd numbers are Hongbin. Hakyeon, the exception to weird even numbers, and Hongbin, the example of perfect odd numbers.

If it wasn’t for Hakyeon, Hongbin would not have ever happened to him. Without Hongbin, Taekwoon would not be the same person he is today, he would not be be as grateful for everything he has and would never have seen the world like he does today.

The clock is on 3:11 right now.

An odd number ending an even number would be wrong. On these clocks, at least. He could stop it right here, right now.

He reaches for the clock, but he hears the tick.

3:12.

He watches the clock tick for the next twenty minutes. Why stop it now? Hongbin turned it on, and Hongbin would turn it off. Taekwoon comes to the conclusion that if he let’s the clock tick, then he lets Hongbin live, and that’s the best way to commemorate Hongbin. To have him start it, and to never end it.

Taekwoon’s cheeks are wet by now. He tucks his legs into his chest and smiles as he cries.

He loves his even and odd numbers.

******

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :^)  
> you've read 134 pages of a google docs I started in october of 2014. thank you for reading this all the way through--though i don't know you, you reading this fic has meant so so so so so much to me. you're the very best. thank you very much, and please support vixx!  
> if you ever want to listen: https://open.spotify.com/user/laurbina04/playlist/13nPC3FdQddNgB6YGPCue8  
> find me on twitter!: @oddsensist

**Author's Note:**

> that was long wasn't it


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